The end of college is approaching faster than you could have ever predicted, catapulting you do the unthinkable —take inventory of all the useless belongings you’ve collected over the last four years. Also, you should probably get an STD test. Go into the rest of your life with some sexual peace of mind, ya heard?
Somewhere in the back of your mind you already know that 90% of the clutter — the never-used folders, the warn-down flip flops, the superfluous collection of $5 sunglasses — is getting trashed at the first sight of spring, but part of you wants to desperately cling onto college with every last breath you have. You’ll find yourself saying things like, “this stuff has a personal value” or “I’ll need it to remember the best years of my life.”
I get it — I really do, but as someone who’s two-plus years removed from the carnage, I can promise you this: the more you toss out now, the better off you’ll be in the long haul; or, as some people would say, your journey to becoming a real person.
This isn’t meant to be a guide to cleaning out your college dorm room though; rather, it’s a list of items you might consider taking with you — along with the remaining 10% of your stuff once you’ve completed that spring purge — but really deserve a place in the trash right alongside that half-broken bong your roommate gifted you as a “birthday present” last month.
Don’t get overly sentimental with these things — they were supposed to be discarded; their shelf life was only supposed to be four years.
Here are eight objects that everybody brings to college but must be trashed when you graduate:
I’ve actually heard that the go-to TV poster for incoming college freshman is now Breaking Bad — not Entourage like when I went to school, but the point is moot. Whatever poster is hanging above your college bed, rip it down and don’t hold on to it.
Regardless of where you’re moving — back home to live with your parents or moving into a place of your own, you don’t need that poster lingering overhead or in your garage, reminding and haunting you have your “glory days.”
Plus, is there anything worse than re-using a poster? I’m a firm believer in the philosophy once it comes down, it shouldn’t go back up. Your new place should be just that — new, full of decorations that haven’t yet been purchased.
If you’ve had the same lounge furniture since freshman year, you should get your head examined but not before you toss that thing out onto the street. Think of how much disgusting vileness that thing has absorbed over the years. Farts and beer spills are more than enough damage to justify getting rid of this thing — and that’s without factoring in the sex stains and God knows what other combination of bodily fluids.
3. Your Favorite Chair
This is something you’re going to want to cling onto — and you may even be so stubborn as to ignore my warning here. Regardless, you can always get another chair. Unless you’re moving down the street just think of it like this — chairs are the hardest and most annoying things to pack and pack around. If you’re looking for space in your car as you leave campus for the last time, a good idea might be to take out that old recliner that — like, the futon — has all sorts of filthy history that nobody else should ever no about or hear about.
Note: any item you decide to hold onto and re-use in your next place should not be bragged about. As in, “Yea, that’s the chair Brad puked on sophomore year — still have it.” You just look like a hoarder — and a freakish one at that.
4. Anything you got at a frat party — or think you may have gotten at a frat party
OK, so this is a bit of a generalization but there are just too many free items that are handed out during rush week every year to include on this list. Some of these things might be the aforementioned sunglasses, cut-off t-shirts, dorky-looking hats, whistles, shot glasses, ping pong balls, cups, blow up toys (dolls included), posters, key chains, etc.
You should have packed light when going to college and if you did, these items probably doubled the weight of your belongings.
Seriously, if you don’t think about them and just tossed them all on your desk, or on the floor, then you forget that you have this completely unnecessary collection of fraternity trinkets — more than likely to a frat you’re not even in.
5. Trash can
It’s appalling that anybody would even considering holding onto something this replaceable but I have seen dudes take out their trash bins and put them in their cars. Don’t ask me, because I can’t explain the logic. However, what I can propose is this: if a chick saw you doing it and it cost you the opportunity of having sex with her, then you shouldn’t do it.
Hence, the trashcan theory: no chick will ever bang you if they watch you hoarding your college trash can.
Yes, I’m aware that a trashcan isn’t exactly a decoration, but I would argue that it’s something some guys considering bringing with them into the adult world when there’s absolutely no fucking need.
Again, do away with the sentimentality — carpets are inanimate objects that don’t hold any sort of value other than some misguided belief that you should onto them because they’re not something to be thrown away like a half-eaten donut.
Nothing could be further than the truth: carpets are useless and should be thrown away because they get dirty fast, especially in college. You probably shouldn’t have invested in one in the first place so now’s a good time to cut your losses.
Plus, who hauls around a shaggy rug with them? I can’t tell what’s worse that or the trash can.
7. Clothing organizers
Whether it’s for shoes, shirts or hats, these organizational tools should be left at college. Grown ups don’t need that shit and guess what — you’re an adult now, for better or for worse. Start thinking about buying a dresser rather than using that tacky fucking in front of the closet shelf that shouldn’t have ever become a trendy item in the first place. As for the hats, you can’t wear flat-rims into work anyways so throw them all in your closet. Nobody is going to want to see you show them off anyways — they probably never did.
If you’re still using the same towel you used when you were 18 now in your early 20s, then you’ve really been asleep at the wheel these past four years. And that’s totally all right — I’ll be the first to admit I used the same two towels throughout college and don’t feel any bit remorseful about it.
However, the difference is as I was moving out of my house and doing the final sweep I noticed that one still hung on the bathroom door and the other was below the sink. If they weren’t worth me remembering during the initial clean, then they’re certainly not worth brining with you after you graduation.
Consider them a sacrificial lamb and get some new ones.