5 Items In Your Dorm Room That Can Get You On Housing Probation


Like people serving a life sentence in jail, college students have too much free time to figure out how to get in trouble. Adding booze to boredom is like rocket fuel for terrible decision-making. After enough Svedka a hacky sack becomes a dodge ball and hitting strangers with water balloons becomes a great idea. It’s this volatile mixture that creates the most inventive ways to get in trouble on campus. Instead of making a shank, college students are seeing what trouble they can cause with a trash can full of ice water and a roommate in the shower. Common on campus housing items become tools for hilarity.

Oven Pans: Paying the extra $1000 dollars to get an on campus apartment this semester, means there is actually a kitchen. The only real baking that happens in college is when the fire alarms are covered, so take the tray out of the oven for an instant snow sled. It’s close to orgasmic hearing the voice of a pissed off RA as you sled an icy staircase. When it gets boring, instate a point system. Ten points for taking out anyone coming up the steps with a huge backpack, 25 points for getting the guy who takes the bottle he brought with him to the party home when he leaves.

Cushions: If the school knew how dangerous cushions were they wouldn’t put them in dorms or common areas. Not only are they drenched in human fluids; they can become instruments of war. With just a little duct tape they’re no longer a place to sit, they’re padding for sumo wrestling. Running at each other as hard as possible strapped with cushions might not be as good as a fat suit, it’s still effective enough to waste a few hours. Things always get out of control when someone finds a broomstick. It’s going to attract the RA’s attention when they hear “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die” and watch one pile of cushions being chased by another pile with a stick.

Windows: Windows are probably the most dangerous thing in a college apartment. These never open all the way because Fireball convinces people they can jump out of them. Even if no bodies are going out of the windows, drunk people discover how awesome throwing stuff out of them is. You can explain to the housing department that it was the apartment above you, even though you were dumb enough to write your name on the milk so no one else would take it before it left a stain on the concrete.

Dressers: Throwing a dorm party is always a terribly amazing idea. Try taking it to the next level by buying a keg but you’ll need some place to hide it. A half keg fits in standard dorm dressers easily. Instead of keeping the keg cool in a bucket of ice, a trash bag will suffice. Not only do you get to throw an amazing party, everyone feels like ninjas when you use a hidden keg. Remember, if the RA breaks up the party, it can always be tossed out the window.

Tarps: They’re blue and for some reason they are always around college campuses or in dumpsters. It’s like the world is forcing college students to steal one. With a little hand soap and a few trashcans filled with water, tarps become hallway slip and slides in minutes. Indoor slip and slides are temperature controlled and the #2 source of rug burn for freshman and sophomores besides public sex. They’re a perfect excuse to bring together the entire co-ed dorm. Make it a theme party when more people show up; fill squirt guns with whiskey to make sure you’re completely banned from college.

Instead of playing Call of Duty and being called racial slurs by 11-year-olds, try having some good old fashion rule breaking fun. Remember these things can only get you kicked out if you get caught. Simple items around the dorm turn a regular day into one everyone will be nostalgic about for years.