That was the start of some big speech on how our particular class never listened to the faculty or something. I don’t know. I wasn’t really paying attention—but that “wise fool” oxymoron stuck with me.
I appreciate the wise yet foolish aspects of being a college sophomore. You’re finished adjusting to independence and don’t have to worry about upper-level classes or internships yet. The savory middle ground.
Here’s why this beautiful pubescent phase of college is far superior to being a slack jawed youngster or condescending upperclassman:
You Left Your Dorm Room and Haven’t Looked Back
You finally escaped that 10×10 hobbit-hole with that weird roommate who indulged himself too much. Nothing was worse than being stuffed into an overcrowded high-rise with no air conditioning and a prick RA always suspicious of what you’re carrying in your backpack. Those jail cells were a rough rite of passage that introduced you to all the college student stereotypes, from the kids who get drunk before exams to the douchenuggets who can’t stop talking about how every fraternity loves them. It’s this next group that made the experience worth it…
You Established Your Core Unit of Bros
These are the dudes on your floor that you thought were normal and therefore more qualified than the other kids just mentioned. Through thick and thin, this group of idiots was right there with you to experience all the freshman follies we’ve come to look back and laugh about as sophomores. You all got your fakes confiscated, learned to avoid the greasy unsanitary kid who makes buffalo chicken wraps at the diner, and barely passed the same introductory courses that busted your GPA’s balls. These guys gained similar wisdom in the same foolish way you did.
You Understand Proper Classroom Etiquette
As freshmen, you’re overly ambitious toward your coursework. As juniors and seniors, motivation has been completely eradicated as a priority. As sophomores, you still have a decent amount of academic zeal in the gas tank but finally understand the do’s and don’ts of the classroom dynamic. You know to speak at least once every class to let professors know you have a pulse, and you know how to strategically sit in a spot that shows you’re present.
Most importantly, you know to avoid the chaunceys. Essentially, they're the obnoxious know-it-alls who always participate and truly believe they are highly thought of by the rest of the class, when really no one respects them. Don’t be that guy. You know who you are.
You Know and Avoid the Clichés for Getting Out of Class
Oh no! You’ve got the flu? Your dog caught on fire? Colonel Gaddafi’s police confiscated your homework? The only thing I’ll remember from college is how many times my grandma died.
You’ve learned from skipping numerous 9 a.m. Friday classes that the safest excuses are the ones to avoid. You never know when one soulless professor might ask for further proof. My roommate had to miss a stat exam to go home for a funeral and his professor asked to see a program and death certificate. (Don’t be a stat major.)
You’re Hitting the Peak of Your College Drinking
You purchased a new, better fake ID since your last Pokemon card got taken by that heavy breathing bouncer. You started becoming a regular at your most atrocious watering hole. Saturdays have opened up a whole new world of day drinking, a world in which you are building your endurance and learning the ropes. Once you move on to the overestimated upperclassmen years, these precious weekend afternoons will start filling up with internships and horribly timed essays. Be sure to look around a few times and cherish these luxuries. As the great Bobby Dylan once sang, “Keep your eyes wide, the chance won’t come again.”
You Beat the Freshman 15
This is something that lingered in your mind every time you stepped foot in your diner’s quesadilla line. For you lucky bastards with swift metabolisms, you lived on sloppy pizza, ham and cheese Hot Pockets, and Natty Ice’s for eight months straight without gaining an ounce. Some of you might have packed on a belt notch or two.
Don’t fret, though, because the Freshman 15 is an improbable urban legend. It takes a good amount of effort to gain 15 pounds in one damn year. Investing in a personal servant to piggyback you to and from the diner 100 feet from your building would probably accomplish it, but we don’t have a market for that anymore.
You’re Not a Freshman Anymore
Obviously the best thing on this list. The way people carry themselves says a lot about what year they are. You’ve figured this out. You’ve established your swag.
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