ESPN’s Ryen Russillo Told A Story About A Genuinely Insane Fraternity Alum That’s Almost Unbelievable

To wrap up his radio show on ESPN Radio yesterday Ryen Rusillo took call-in questions from listeners, with one of them asking what was his weirdest fraternity/alumni interaction. Most of the time fraternity alums tend to phase out of showing up to game day tailgates with undergrads by the time they hit their thirties since, y’know…dude, you’re old. But the alum in question apparently hadn’t gotten the memo, giving Russillo one of the most bizarre college stories I’ve ever read that doesn’t include some form of human defecation (for some reason every college story I wind up reading involves feces; maybe I’m just unlucky). According to Total Frat Move,

When he was a fifth-year senior hanging out at his fraternity house one day, a dude rolled in who claimed to be a graduate brother from a different school (Russillo attended the University of Vermont, where he was a member of SAE). Russillo claims his chapter was not even very hospitable to their own alums, so they weren’t too interested in hanging out with a grad from a different chapter. Russillo goes on to describe his chapter as “unorganized, super lazy guys, just really into ourselves…”

The grad is around the age of 30 and pretty much invites himself to play in a fraternity softball game that Russillo’s chapter was putting on later that day. After talking big game to the undergrads, the dude lays out to make a catch in the outfield and appears to injure his shoulder. Russillo notes that he is clearly a tryhard who is attempting to fit in. They get back to the house after the game and the alum is mad that the fraternity isn’t raging yet. Russillo explains how they’re going to start drinking a little later because it’s a nice day out and people are just trying to chill.

Rather than taking the hint and chilling the fuck out, the alum proceeded to get hammered off of Bacardi 151 and Cokes. Somehow by the grace of God and a constitution that rivals Andre the Giants’, the guy manages to not pass out/vomit/die/wind up in the hospital with a spontaneous case of Cirrhosis and makes it to the fraternity party that night. Instead of doing what most alums at underage college parties do and stand in the corner and look creepy as fuck/be “that guy” who tries to be cool and hit up 18-year-old college chicks, the alum proceeds to jump out of a window located on the first floor of the fraternity house. According to Russillo he got out a ladder and tried his damndest to keep the guy inside the house, but the guy wound up flingin’ himself out the window and landing on a pile of mattresses that the chapter had laid out on the ground for him. He then got up and ran away, because that’s what you do when you’re a completely normal 30-year-old human being.

About an hour later Russillo says the police showed up to the house asking about a recently escaped mental patient, and YUP you guessed it: the escaped patient was the alum who’d been creepin’ around all day. Well, that’s technically wrong – the guy was never an alum in the first place, just some guy who decided to spend his one free day out of the asylum hangin’ out with a bunch of fraternity dudes.

Apparently they later found him underneath a porch somewhere, which (if we’re being honest here) was probably an upgrade from the frat house.

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[H/T Total Frat Move & ESPN Radio]