College is the formative years of every young person’s life. Whether you make it all the way through to graduation or just spend a few years getting drunk and stoned in order to drop out and try to become the next millionaire who said, “Fuck the system!” you’re going to come across a number of different people in this time.
College is quite literally the ultimate melting pot, because people come from across the country and across the world to study in the prestigious halls of the brilliant minds of yesteryear. It’s a chance for you to branch out and meet all these new people and see the world from a different perspective. Albeit, some of those perspectives aren’t going to be all that enlightening. It will, however, lead to the ultimate realization of your own life one way or another.
The “My Dad Went Here, So I’m Entitled To Something” Guy
Look out for this legacy looking to leave behind a similar legacy that his father left behind. A legacy that has been passed down in a sequence of events that only sounds like the plot of Animal House, but has never been proven. You can find him walking through the courtyard with a smug look on his face wondering why there’s not a statue of his father erected somewhere, and wondering how he can make that happen.
The Has Entire Life Planned Out At The Tender Age Of 18 Person
Do not engage with this person. They will only use it as an excuse to go on a long-winded explanation of their double major study in undergrad, then explain the graduate schools they already plan on applying to (some of which they’ve been working on the entry essay for to get a head start on), tell you the age they plan on getting married and when they plan on retiring. Do not ask them what they want for lunch. They don’t have time for the present. Only diligent planning for the future!
The Jock Who Is Somehow Still Sliding By Doing Nothing At All
They just smile then go dunk it or something. A straight “C” average takes them straight to the bank with a general business degree. Every time you see them eating in the cafeteria you cringe knowing it is your tuition payment they’re munching down on. “Oh, how delicious is that pizza?! Hope you like it!”
The Benchwarming Jock
Seen frequenting house parties in their sweat gear to remind everyone they’re in fact on the sports team, but nobody cares or even notices, considering they haven’t been in a game at all this year. When they try to fist-bump the aforementioned jock upon their arrival it goes wildly ignored.
The Way Too Enthusiastic Frat Bro
Lookout, because a high-five is coming your way at rapid speed as this khaki clad member of a trio of Greek letters approaches. He wants to remind you about the formal coming up. He wants to know if you’d like to rush. He wants to remind you that his trio of Greek letters is the best trio of Greek letters there is. He never wants this feeling to end.
The Overly Judgmental Sorority Girl
Ugh, here she comes saying, “Ugh,” once again. She is super pissed off that so-and-so from here-and-there is doing this-and-that. “Wow, how could she, when she knows that I’m also planning on doing something of a similar variety?” Do not make direct eye-contact.
The Polo Spokesmodel
Everyday of the week is like a new page straight from a catalog. From the blasé stylings of a short sleeve collared shirt, to the vibrant patterns of a button up long sleeve, this person really knows how to rock out. Whether it’s a tailgating barbecue or the first time they’re meeting their new significant other’s parents, they’re always looking stylishly fresh (ridiculous).
The R.A. (Resident Asshole)
Feeling a bit entitled with their new found title accompanied by the slightest amount of power, this person loves to swoop in and tell you what you can and cannot do (even though they are your age, or even possibly younger). “No beer. No sleepovers. No parties. No fun.”
The Faculty Child
You applied for how many scholarships just to scrape together $500 on a five-figure tuition cost? Sorry about that, this person gets to go here for free just because their mom or dad teaches a 40-minute class twice a week and holds office hours on occasion.
The Adderall Addict
You can find this person in the dark corners of the library and various lounge areas on campus, like an alleyway for a drug dealer. They’re constantly popping pills to stay focused and slinging them to try and pay off some of their tuition. They haven’t blinked since their first day on campus.
The Procrastinator That Brings Everyone In Their Path Down With Them
Everyone procrastinates, but this person likes to announce to the world just how many pages they have to write before 8 AM tomorrow and make you feel so bad for them. They discuss just how much they have to do in so much detail that they don’t actually get around to doing the paper and just go to class crying–somehow convincing the professor to give them an extension, which they ultimately miss as well.
The Flip Flopper
“I think I want to be a doctor. Actually, I’m going to be an environmentalist. No, my real passion is acting. Is there a major that can get me into writing, but specifically just children’s books? Forget everything I’ve said so far, because I’m now declaring that I’m going to become the next President of the United States!”
The Person You’ll Check In With Every Few Years After Graduation Until You Inevitably Fade Apart
Best friends forever, right?! Wrong. They will move to a different state. You may do the same. Facebook only keeps you so connected. They got married. You didn’t go. They have a baby. You think it’s ugly.
The Future Passionate Alum
So long as they don’t put on too much weight after graduation, this person has a wardrobe of university t-shirts and hats that will look great while they sit in the crowd at sporting events and various other campus activities in the years to come. Their future child will feel entitled upon their inevitable enrollment.
The “I’m Dumping So Much Money That I’ll Never Actually Earn Into Just Four Years Of My Life, Basically Playing The Life Lottery That This Whole Experience Is Worth It” Person
Look in the mirror. That is/was you.
College students image by Shutterstock