30 Unrealistic Things You Think You’ll Do Right After College

You probably will not…

1. Infiltrate an illustrious group of attractive, wealthy yuppies

2. Travel to see your old college friends because you make a lot of money

3. Make a lot of money

4. Maintain the same alcohol tolerance

5. Drop triple digits on top-shelf liquor

6. Preserve said top-shelf liquor for special occasions only

7. Buy an awesome tuxedo

8. Stay the size of said awesome tuxedo

9. Accrue a distinguished tie collection

10. Ask for Caesar salads instead of fries on the side

11. Become a connoisseur of the downtown Sunday brunch scene

12. Subscribe to The New Yorker or Forbes or any of those overpriced snob rags

13. Read more in general

14. Cancel that Netflix account in pursuit of more proactive endeavors

15. Learn what a 401(k) is

16. Stop being the sloppy, goofy drunk person every weekend

17. Maintain shallow no-strings-attached relationships

18. Go into your mundane job with a crippling hangover

19. Not get in trouble for it

20. Get season tickets for your favorite team

21. Peruse incomprehensible exhibitions at art museums

22. Reside in an IKEA-furnished apartment

23. Eat sushi four times a week

24. Try every $15 IPA 4-pack at your friendly neighborhood liquor store

25. Stop smoking weed profusely

26. Stop smoking profusely

27. Get in a committed relationship

28. Get married

29. Find happiness

30. Or is that last one just me?

A-Mac is a regular columnist for BroBible.