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“Go, my people, enter your rooms, and shut the doors behind you; hide yourselves for a little while …until his wrath has passed by.” — Isaiah 26: 19-20
This Halloween could prove to be as terrifying as the country has experienced since the Satanic Murder Cult scare of the early 1980s. Not only does the upcoming all hallow’s eve take place just days before one of the most imbecilic presidential elections we’ve witnessed in American history, but it falls on the first full moon in decades. This alone has some of the witchiest bastards in the nation scared to death that Hell is about to open up shop in the coming days. It could mean all sorts of twisted events are set to unfold. Demons could come crawling out of the shadows. Beer taps could run dry. Or perhaps a psychedelic porthole into the dimension of the dead will open up, spilling a slew of rotten tripped out souls onto mortal ground and further wreaking havoc on our broken society. In Haitian voodoo, once the underworld of the damned is full, the dead will walk the Earth. Some believe this is a reference to some sort of zombie apocalypse, yet it could quite literally mean that we’re all destined to see more spooks and ghouls in the future. And if that’s ever going to happen, this weekend is probably the best chance for it. So if you start seeing dead people, rest easy. It’s just 2020, making sure it goes out on a high note.
But then again, maybe the gates of Hell are already wide open. There is a distinct possibility that the real horror struck right after the current administration took over the White House. I’m not saying that’s what happened. That’s just what my trusty Ouija board told me after 15 beers and an intimate, one-on-one conversation about my past life as a Viking warlord. Hey, don’t laugh. I’m not the only one out here having some kind of paranormal experience. It turns out that nearly 30 percent of the American population now claims to have had a run-in with a ghost, according to the PsychTests’ Paranormal Beliefs Test. This means that just under half of us are either connected to the afterlife or stark raving mad.
Take your pick.
It’s not just the flash of an apparition that Americans see during those quiet moments at home, but some of these ghouls are trying to scare the ever-living snot out of their hoo-mans. The survey found that 16 percent believe they’ve had an experience with poltergeists, which by definition, is a supernatural force that can cause physical disturbances. For example, if you’ve ever stood in a room and the television came on unexpectedly while the remote control was still on the couch, that could be a poltergeist trying to get your attention. If you’ve ever noticed doors opening or closing and you’re the only one in the house, that, too, could be poltergeist activity. It’s the kind of bump in the night that typically scares the shit out of most people, prompting them to reach out to everyone from Catholic priests to the producers of shows like Ghost Adventures for answers. Of course, these events could also be attributed to things like static electricity, the wind, or even grief hallucinations. Whether the spirit world is real or not is up to the individual to decide. However, the possibility is fascinating. Because nobody really knows if ghosts are souls left to linger in the crevasses of the living or just extraterrestrials trying to communicate from whatever porthole separates us from them. Unfortunately, the current administration never set out to create a national Ghost Force, so the chances of us being enlightened are slim. Shucks! We may never know the truth behind the otherworldly beings that exist around us.
Nevertheless, these revenants of the dark have piqued the interest of the American public, regardless of their political affiliation. And it’ll be a cold day in Hell before that changes, we can assure you. “It’s human nature to be curious about and drawn to the unknown,” explained PsychTests CEO Ilona Jerabek, Ph.D.
Our advice for the upcoming weekend is to gas up the chainsaws and sharpen those axes. No, these lumberjacking tools won’t help the whole of humanity fight off any sick and twisted reverberations of the great beyond, but they could sure come in handy if America gets thrown a curveball and finds out that the Haitians were right all along. If that happens, just remember these words: “Klaatu barada nikto.” We’re not sure what the phrase means, but if it can help Ash escape the Army of Darkness, it’s worth a shot.