It’s one thing to get comped a dessert because you’re cute. It’s another thing when the restaurant makes assumptions about your ability to afford a meal and then is aggressively kind.
Just the other day, Shae Denise (@shaedenisemua) experienced the kind of “nice” that feels very assumption-coded. In a TikTok with over 39,000 views, Shae Denise explains what happened when she took her child out to Chili’s.
‘Just Wanted A Snack’
Underneath in-video text that reads, “I was called broke by my waitress,” Shae Denise explains that she and her daughter went to Chili’s and ended up getting a “Pick 3” meal to share.
“I wasn’t that hungry,” she says. So they decided to split mozzarella sticks, chicken strips, and a burger.
Then the waitress came to take the drink order, and while her daughter got lemonade, “I’m not trying to drink all that sugary s____, so I got a water,” says the TikTok creator.
When the food came out, Shae Denise says she divided the food up pretty evenly.
Sweet Tooth Strikes
After they’d concluded their meal, Shae Denise says her sweet tooth struck, so they decided to order a skillet cookie. They split that in half, too. And that’s when things started to go sideways.
As she delivered the bill, their server told Shae Denise that she took the skillet cookie and the lemonade off of the tab. “Oh my God. That’s so sweet,” Shae Denise recalls saying. She thought the server was just being kind.
Then, the server attempted to forge a bond in the most awkward way. She tried to acknowledge how hard it can be to be a single mother.
“Wait, wait,” Shae Denise says to the camera and recaps what she tried to tell her server. “‘Ma’am, it’s not that. I wasn’t hungry. We just came here for a snack.'”
The waitress agreed, but in the way that lets Shae Denise know she wasn’t buying it but would play along in order to preserve personal dignity.
Meanwhile, Shae Denise’s mouth is hanging open. The bill’s total was $26. And she assured the server that she can afford the meal. “‘It’s OK, I understand, you don’t hafta…'” she quotes the server as saying to her.
“I have $26,” asserted Shae Denise, who now feels as if she has no choice but to pay the entire bill and leave a generous tip. “You think I don’t have $26, and I don’t like that at all.”
Missed Connection
Finally, Shae Denise left the payment and the tip on the table. And as she was walking to her vehicle, the server came racing out to give her back the money.
“I should be happy and grateful,” Shae Denise says to the camera before acknowledging that she doesn’t know whether to be offended or not.
Shae Denise has the comments turned off. Likely so she doesn’t have to deal with the entire internet explaining to her why, yes, she should be grateful. Because by the time she posted the video, she sorted out her feelings more clearly.
“It’s not the gesture that got me it’s more assuming that I’m a single mother because of me having an innocent moment with my daughter that I do all the time actually and that I can’t pay my tab,” she writes in the caption.
Then she says, “That coming from a woman not of color just kind of threw me off.”
Why Kindness Goes Sideways
It’s probably fair to say that the server was trying to do a solid for another woman. But while her intention was good, it is likely that she missed the social cues indicating Shae Denise could afford the snack.
“Kindness is more of a practice than a strategy,” reports Conflict Expert. But as such, it does require an assessment of appropriateness and a willingness to understand that a kind gesture might not be received that way. So it’s up to the giver to “reconsider what you are doing and how you are communicating it.” Because if your action isn’t welcome, then it’s not really kind.
Perhaps the best thing Shae Denise’s server could have done is comp the drink and dessert while resisting the urge to overshare her reasons for doing so. That way, her kindness might not’ve revealed a problematic assumption.
BroBible reached out to Shae Denise via email and with a TikTok direct message. We will update this if she gets back to us.
@shaedenisemua It’s not the gesture that got me it’s more assuming that I’m a single mother because of me having an innocent moment with my daughter that I do all the time actually And that I can’t pay my tab. that coming from a woman not of Color just kind of threw me off.