Twitter / @bartandsoul
Father’s Day is next weekend.
The one day out of the year when dads get to do whatever the hell they want to do. This typically includes golfing, grilling, drinking, and all the other stuff they do the other 364 days out of the year.
What can I say, dads are creatures of habit, but at least on Father’s Day family members won’t give us shit for partaking in any of those activities.
If you’re still looking for a Father’s Day gift for your old man, here’s a list to check out.
If you’re looking for a book for a new dad, I’ll suggest my book because I’m an attention whore.
If you’re just here for the funny tweets and memes, here you go.
I just let my wife cut my hair and honestly the only difference between her and my barber is the amount of times she said whoops.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) June 11, 2020
Me: [on deathbed]
Wife: It's probably just allergies.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 10, 2020
https://www.instagram.com/p/CBJ4uToAM4P
https://www.instagram.com/p/CBRxTYwp0Y-/
Father’s Day is in a couple weeks.
Or as my wife calls it, “Unenthusiastic Blowjob Day”.
— Dan (@dadopotamus) June 11, 2020
https://www.instagram.com/p/CBRxTYwp0Y/
If the fate of the world depended on my kids finding a lost shoe, and that shoe was directly in front of them surrounded by flashing signs, we all would still be doomed.
— Shannon Carpenter (@HossmanAtHome) June 10, 2020
Babies sneak into your home using your wife like a human trojan horse. Are those the actions of a "precious angel"? I think not.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) June 11, 2020
me: I have no idea where this cut on my ankle came from or how I got the bruise on my shoulder
also me: That’s Terry. He made fun of my tie in 1996 and I hate him so freaking much
— ADHDean (@ADHDeanASL) June 11, 2020
Wife: What are you mixing in that water bottle bottle?
Me: A protein shake
W: That’s a package of Mac & Cheese
M:
— Bart (@bartandsoul) June 10, 2020
i work at mcdonalds and i give every burger a small kiss before i send it out
— boss (@boss_on_here) June 8, 2020
Last night as I was lying down to sleep, I asked my Echo to play “white noise,” but it thought I said “what’s noise?” and proceeded to define it for me.
Bitch, I have two kids. I’ll tell YOU what noise is!
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) June 10, 2020
***
Chris Illuminati is a 5-time published author and recovering a**hole who writes about running, parenting, and professional wrestling. Reach out to him on Instagram & Twitter.