Remember how awkward Valentine’s Day was in school?
In grade school, you had to give every kid in the class a Valentine’s Day card, even the dickheads or kids you never talked to, because teachers didn’t want anyone to feel left out even though the kids who had no friends knew the cards were distributed under duress and the dickheads knew no one really liked them.
“Hi, kid who holds me down on the bus and farts in my face. Here’s a piece of cardboard with a Transformer on it. Happy Valentine’s Day. I hope your dad doesn’t come home tonight and beat you.”
Things got worse in high school. At least at my high school.
An annual student fundraiser on Valentine’s Day was buying Tootsie Pops for your crush, friends, or anyone you felt like dropping $1 on.
You bought a Tootsie Pop and wrote a special note. Those lollipops were delivered to the person’s homeroom and given out before the first class of the day by the homeroom teacher.
So each teacher was responsible for this Hunger Games-style reading of names of all the popular people who got lollipops while the kids who didn’t get Tootsie Pops just sat there and watched it all go down.
One year I thought “oh, I should just send myself a lollipop so I don’t look like a loser on Valentine’s Day” but then decided that’s even sadder.
The point of this story is that school is stupid and maybe it’s better to keep kids home. At least on holidays.
Here are the funniest tweets and memes from dads this week. Happy Valentine’s Day.
11 has spent $30 of his own money buying smart bulbs for his room. he can now turn them on via a remote and change colors. it's like a disco room/playboy mansion vibe in there and i am not ok.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) February 11, 2021
At 16 I called a sex line and talked for 3.5 hours about Harry Potter movies as revenge against my stepfather
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) February 11, 2021
Picked up a fuzzy pipe cleaner off the floor and before throwing it away I said to my kids, “Is this special to anyone?” Because apparently I’m an idiot who’s never been around kids before.
— Andrew Knott (@aknott21) February 10, 2021
While playing with my 4yo he put me in a pretend “jail” but honestly as a dad of three that feels kind of redundant
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) January 21, 2021
Scientists who claim the quark is the smallest particle have clearly never seen a toddler share her ice cream with a parent.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) February 12, 2021
Me [whispering]: why is there a sex toy in the sink?
Wife: wtf is wrong with you, it’s a muddler.
Me [whispering]: why is there a sex muddler in the sink?
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 12, 2021
At this point in the pandemic, Youtube could claim my kids as a dependent on their taxes.
— Shannon Carpenter (@HossmanAtHome) February 10, 2021
8-year-old: You should wear that outfit more often.
Me: You like it?
8: It makes me laugh.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 11, 2021
Who else has a compact disc collection in a massive case or binder that they haven’t seen in years … but can think of all the music and joy it brought them?
— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) February 10, 2021
My 3-year-old just told me to keep the hoodie on my head because it's better for my face, if you're wondering what kids do for your self-esteem.
— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) February 10, 2021
My 3 year old can’t sleep because his left knee is cold
— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) February 10, 2021
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 11, 2021
My 2y.o just stormed past me in teletubbies pyjamas holding a pop up book. When I asked him where he is going, he said in an exasperated tone:
“I’m going to a meeting!”
— Steve 🏳️🌈 (@papaneedscoffee) February 5, 2021
My wife said there’s a lack of passion in our relationship but I don’t think that’s true because she was screaming pretty loud when she said it.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) February 3, 2021
My kids will probably want dinner again tonight. So needy.
— Dad Bits (@DadBits) February 11, 2021
Know a funny dad who should be included next time? Let me know in the comments.