Twitter / @chrisilluminati
I was forced to buy a new phone this week.
I knew the time had come when the Calendar app just up and disappeared, text messages deleted three years ago magically reappeared, the phone wouldn’t take or save photos, and my kid’s stopped asking to play with it because “it’s a piece of shit.” (Their words)
The only thing I cared about transferring from the old phone to the new phone was my contacts. For some reason, these 3,657 names and emails seemed important.
I was wrong. I ended up deleting over 90%. It was an insane look back at my life over the last ten years.
Old girlfriends, people with just a first name, formers coworkers, people I sold stuff to on Facebook and Craigslist, nine different women named Jen, and over at least a thousand people of whom I have zero recollection.
These people were erased from my life for good (or just a while).
If you text me, and my first few responses are odd, it’s because I erased your number and I’m not sure who the hell I’m talking to, and I’m too embarrassed to say “I didn’t know you well enough to keep your number.”
Either that or my kids have my phone because it’s not a piece of shit anymore.
Here are some more dads having a hell of a week.
I asked my father-in-law what I should get my wife for her birthday. It’s nice to know that the guy who raised her for 18 years doesn’t know more about her than the guy who’s been married to her for 10 years.
— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) July 15, 2020
walmart is now requiring masks but lets be honest, we all should have always been wearing a mask in walmart well before the pandemic.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 15, 2020
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
— *sigh*clops (@aotakeo) July 15, 2020
https://twitter.com/dadthatwrites/status/1283164005402505216
Put my 7yo to bed, told him I love him and that I’m trying to be the best dad I can be.
Then he farted on me.
— Shannon Carpenter (@HossmanAtHome) July 15, 2020
My wife asked me to self quarantine for no other reason other than she “hates my fucking face”
— Swim Jeans 👖 (@ShortSleeveSuit) July 16, 2020
We’ve been out of Doritos since Sunday, is this a cleanse?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 16, 2020
https://twitter.com/CrockettForReal/status/1283192792429158400
4: Can I come out of time-out?
Me: Why do you think you should be able to?
4: I've been here for an hour!
Me: It's been 2 minutes.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) July 14, 2020
After a full day of swim drills & confidence building, my 4 year old leapt from the steps floaty-free and braved his way toward me across the pool. Only an arm's length away, he suddenly u-turned & swam all the way back to the stairs. Turns out I was "too far" for him to make it.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 13, 2020
https://twitter.com/videojames_/status/1283143190149644288
My wife and I are spending a night alone for the first time in over a year and I can’t wait to find out what other excuse we’ll use not to fuck.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) July 14, 2020
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
— dADDisms (@Beagz) July 17, 2020
Kids are like “this outcome was unavoidable” after doing the thing you warned them ten times not to do
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) July 12, 2020
8-year-old: Are we having tacos tonight?
Me: No.
8: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
8: Can you check again?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 16, 2020
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Chris Illuminati is a 5-time published author and recovering a**hole who writes about running, parenting, and professional wrestling. Reach out to him on Instagram & Twitter.