Twitter / @dadbits
My kids are with their mom all week at the beach.
My place is quiet. Too quiet.
When they come back, I’ll complain they’re driving me nuts after about an hour together.
Parenthood is about trying to find the balance between missing the kids and wishing they’d get the hell out of your face.
Here’s a good balance of dads who hate and love their kids – and their lives.
What my 7yo says: Dad, I'm going to watch this video next to you.
What my 7yo means: Dad, I'm going to blare this shit 2 inches from your ear and then ask if you can see it when I jam it into your face. I'll be doing this all morning.
— Shannon Carpenter (@HossmanAtHome) July 21, 2020
Ripped jeans are back in fashion. I'm getting lots of positive comments about mine, such as "Jesus Christ!", "Dude, WTF?" and "Oh god, I can see his balls"
— Dr Pessimus Prime, rat edition 🐀 (@BigJDubz) July 23, 2020
https://twitter.com/dadthatwrites/status/1286468811084845056
Autocorrect just tried to change dickhead to duck rag and it looks like I've got a secret new nickname for some people
— Chris Illuminati (@chrisilluminati) July 20, 2020
6-year-old: I'm playing Twister.
Me: By yourself?
6: I was going to win anyway.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 23, 2020
https://twitter.com/CrockettForReal/status/1286315228305580033
Sent my wife nudes and she made me a doctors appointment
— The Civil Savage (@islandpride808) July 23, 2020
Getting someone pregnant makes you a father. Secretly bending the hose your kid is using so the water stops flowing then suggesting that the hose must be broken and encouraging them to look inside as you release the pressure and set Old Faithful off in their face makes you a dad.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 21, 2020
https://twitter.com/dadthatwrites/status/1285615892039114753
Welcome to adulthood, if you sleep on the wrong pillow you’ll feel like you got in a motorcycle accident for three days
— Eternal Samnation (@portmanteauface) July 22, 2020
Watching ‘Godzilla’ in 2019: LOL, how do they come up with this stuff?
Watching ‘Godzilla’ in 2020: OMG, have you seen this documentary?
— Son of Dad (@ThugRaccoons) July 22, 2020
Target has a huge back to school section.
I just feel like someone should tell them.
— Dad Bits (@DadBits) July 22, 2020
Mute. Fart. Unmute.
— dADDisms (@Beagz) July 23, 2020
someone help me explain to my toddler that pea soup is different from pee soup
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) July 22, 2020
Me: I refuse to use shops that gender children's beds
Her: Like a boycott?
Me: Don't you start
— Andy Ryan (@ItsAndyRyan) July 19, 2020
https://www.instagram.com/p/CC_Y1BPBMtm/
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 18, 2020
me: [grabbing his collar] you think this is a fuckin game
son: [crying] i don’t wanna play Uno anymore
— tom (@pilau) July 22, 2020
****