Ever since marijuana has been made legal in a number of jurisdictions all across the country, medical experts, federal officials and even douche-bag ivy-leaguers have come crawling out of the woodwork to preach the perils of this thing called cannabis addiction.
It often seems as though the nation is still living in the howdy-doody, Mayberry ages of reefer madness in which pot was believed to be this devastating voodoo plant that had the uncanny power to hook rich, white women and get them to spread their legs for the black man.
Even though the cannabis plant was recently found to be a “a relatively safe drug” by the UN’s World Health Organization, this new legion of propaganda stirrers keeps trying to convince the Sheeple (mostly those people who watch Fox News and American Idol) that an addiction to marijuana is not only something that is very real but that perhaps it should be considered a solid reason to err on the side of caution with respect to continued legalization.
But with all due respect, these Mormon–brained bastards don’t have any idea what they’re talking about. Marijuana addiction, at least when examined on any grand scale, is really just a huge scam.
The United States government still classifies marijuana a Schedule I drug on the DEA’s Controlled Substances Act. This means the herb has “no known medicinal value,” and is considered as dangerous as heroin – a substance that has been on a massive death trip nationwide for the past several years, leaving piles of Vietnam level casualties in the wake.
But even Uncle Sam and his anti-dope cronies admit that weed is really only about as addictive as caffeine. And when’s the last time anyone tried to ban a Starbucks? The most recent data coming from the National Institute on Drug Abuse shows that only 9 percent of the population that abuses marijuana will eventually end up with addiction issues. The number increases to 17 percent for those users who start getting stoned in their teenage years. But the impact is a far cry from anything similar to a heroin jones.
“Marijuana doesn’t even come close to running amok in the veins of civil society in the same way as alcohol or hard drugs,” according to High Times.
“As far as we can tell, the herb has never been a catalyst to getting a trucker blown out behind a Pilot Travel Center, nor has the plant-inspired its users to pawn everything they own just to get their hands on another buzz.”
Still, there’s a lot of money to be made in convincing people that feel good substances have destroyed their lives. The business of rehabbing drug addicts is a $35 billion industry. We could easily see that figure increase as more states move to legalize marijuana for recreational use. And trust fund kids will be the first through the door as long as publications like The Atlantic continue to publish swill like “America’s Invisible Pot Addicts.”
“Users or former users I spoke with described lost jobs, lost marriages, lost houses, lost money, lost time. Foreclosures and divorces. Weight gain and mental-health problems. And one other thing: the problem of convincing other people that what they were experiencing was real. A few mentioned jokes about Doritos, and comments implying that the real issue was that they were lazy stoners,’” wrote contributing editor Annie Lowrey.
But for those poor slobs whose families cannot afford to the expensive healing of a top-notch medical facility — which are less than 20 percent effective — there is always Marijuana Anonymous (MA).
Borrowing a chapter out of the Big Book,” MA, is the weed version of the Bill W’s infamous 12-step program. It is for those who have hit rock bottom and are ready to pledge allegiance to a higher power that doesn’t actually get them high. MA believes strongly that pot is a gateway drug to more serious addictions and all the destitution and despair a person can handle.
“We lose interest in all else; our dreams go up in smoke. Ours is a progressive illness often leading us to addictions to other drugs, including alcohol,” the website reads. Our lives, our thinking, and our desires center around marijuana—scoring it, dealing it, and finding ways to stay high.”
But there is not much evidence that a so-called marijuana addiction is anything to even worry about. Harvard medical professor J. Wesley Boyd says the dependency element associated with weed is not even close to as powerful as other drugs, including alcohol.
“Those who quit generally experience fairly subtle physiological signs of withdrawal—a mildly elevated pulse, irritability and cravings,” he said. “These symptoms are much less obvious or powerful than those seen when someone addicted to alcohol, painkillers, or tranquilizers suddenly stops using.”
But this is not to say that a handful of derelicts won’t be beaten down into the pits of the great American downtrodden due to their inability to control their lust for the leaf. After all, there are imbeciles everywhere who claim to have some bat shit bizarre addictions, like drinking piss, getting coffee enemas, and eating glass. But let’s not call it addiction. Let’s just call it natural selection. Because while we’re not trying to marginalize anyone’s dirty habits here, a reasonable person must admit that the idea of there ever being a Piss Drinkers Anonymous is extremely absurd and, honestly, pretty fucking gross.
We know, we know — #pissdrinkerslivesmatter.