Man arrested after rubbing his dong on a pepperoni

“Why are you in jail?” “I murdered a guy.” “Me too. How about you, new guy?” “I rubbed my penis on pepperoni and got caught.”

Pepperoni image by Shutterstock

Police say John Allison of Potsdam, N.Y. rubbed a pepperoni stick on his exposed genitals in a grocery store.

Allison, 41, dropped trou in the middle of the store and made sweet man on meat contact with the wrapped package only to immediately return it to the shelf.

Allison was apprehended when a security guard caught the incident on a store surveillance camera.

Police charged Allison with public lewdness and criminal mischief. He’s out on $2,000 bail.

I’d really like to learn more about what Allison was thinking. I’m sure there’s some internal logic that made him think it would be a good idea. Frankly, I’d go with a far less zesty meat. Getting some spicy Italian cured flavoring inside my dickhole does not seem like the best way for a good time, no matter how committed I am to creepy food lovin’. (via Gawker)