As the title may suggest, my mind has reached a breaking point. We’re officially in fantasy land now. We’re not in Kansas anymore.

It’s now been three weeks since our new way of life was abruptly ushered in and while spirits remain high, so does boredom, leading my mind to wander to bizarre intersections such as this one: what Marvel Cinematic Universe characters would make the best NBA team?

Perhaps it was the news of Black Widow being delayed and the NBA season being suspended, but something about being locked in my apartment got me wondering if T’Challa would be more like James Harden or Damian Lillard. Would Hulk be coachable? Is Captain America a 20-years-at-one-franchise-guy like Kobe and Dirk?

These are the places my clearly broken mind wanders as it slips into further quarantine induced insanity and the result of those wildly tangential thoughts is this: the Ultimate MCU NBA Basketball Team.

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Point Guard: Ant-Man

This one’s easy: you can’t guard what you can’t see. With the ability to literally find and fit into spaces that others cannot, Scott Lang would tear through the center of a defense before they even knew what hit them. He’s also a Magic Johnson-like player in the sense that his size (or lack thereof) at the 1-Guard would revolutionize the position.

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Shooting Guard: Black Panther

Pound-for-pound, Black Panther is one of the most well-rounded of Earth’s Mightiest Heroes. Think back to Battle of Wakanda in Infinity War — who leads the charge against Thanos’ army with Captain America? That’s right, Black Panther: full steam ahead into the heat of battle.

In NBA terms, T’Challa is like Damian Lillard: he may not be the flashiest, most popular or powerful, but the dude is a franchise player who is not only gonna fill up the stat sheet whenever he takes the floor but has quiet leadership qualities about him that pay dividends when it matters most. And yes, I know Dame is a PG, shut the hell up. We’re talking about fake comic book characters on a hypothetical basketball team.

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Small Forward: Iron Man

There was no world where Iron Man didn’t make the Starting Five. In fact, not only does Tony Stark lead the team into battle onto the court night in and night out, but he owns the whole damn team. Hell, he’s the longest-tenured member of the squad. He paid for the training facilities to be built. He employs the best coaches and trainers in the world. In fact, he’s smart enough that he could coach the team himself OR build an AI-powered operating system to coach the team for him.  Simply put: no Iron Man, no team.

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Power Forward: Captain America

That’s right, folks, we’re leaning into the modern age of basketball and going with a small-ball lineup.

Not on is Cap our Stretch 4, but he’s, well, our Captain. When the game is in the balance, you bet your ass we’re dumping the ball into Rodgers and letting him run ISO. Will he be at a height disadvantage? Perhaps. But if anyone is equipped to deal with adversity, it’s Cap. And besides, with the height disadvantage comes a speed advantage — there’s no shot the average power forward will be able to guard him in the open court, let alone out on the wing.

One of the tried and true sports cliches is that of the heart of a champion, and legend has it that saying was born after Cap posted a triple-double at Rucker Park back in 1937.

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Center: Hulk

Y’all thought Shaq was dominant? Just fuckin’ wait till Hulk cleaning up the boards and running pick-and-rolls with an essentially invisible Ant-Man. Got him penciled in for ~103 rebounds a game.

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Sixth (Wo)Man: Black Widow

On the flip side of the coin, in the DC Universe, one of the biggest compliments ever paid to Batman was when Superman said he considered him to be the most dangerous man on the planet.

When you’re a human and you’re pulling your weight in a group of superheroes, there’s a certain aura about you that’s simply impossible to obtain when you’ve been endowed with god-given abilities. As Jon Hamm says in The Town, this is the “not fuckin’ around crew”, and humans holding their own with beings far more powerful than them founded that crew.

Which leads to my inclusion of Black Widow. Shifty as hell. Tough as hell, too, for all of the reasons I mentioned above. Unpredictable — defense would never know what’s coming. A glue guy girl: when the Avengers are down and out at the beginning of Endgame, who’s the one manning the fort, keeping the team together? That’s right — Black Widow. When it comes to role players, I’m looking for character and determination over top-tier skill, and that’s exactly what Wonder Woman brings.

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Coach: Nick Fury

Come on now.

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Eric is a New York City-based writer who still isn’t quite sure how he’s allowed to have this much fun for a living and will tell anyone who listens that Gotham City is canonically in New Jersey. Follow him on Twitter @eric_ital for movie and soccer takes or contact him eric@brobible.com