via Californication
Screenshot
Editor’s Note: Welcome back to our BroBible relationship column from romance author Leslie Cohen. Read last week’s column here:
- Why Are Women Obsessed with Hockey Players?
- I Know Who Took the Olympic Village Condoms: Unwrapping the Scandal
- The Valentine’s Day Hot Tub Fantasy I Barely Survived
- Dating Red Flags: Go Ahead. Date the Bad Boy. But Don’t Come Crying to Me.
via Leslie Cohen / Canva
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I know what you’re thinking. My last column on which movies make for the best foreplay was useful, but what do you have for those who find a whole movie to be a bit of a commitment? I feel your pain. I’ve often sat through a one-hundred-and-twenty-minute superhero movie and thought to myself: couldn’t this have been an email? So, in the spirit of brevity, here are the TV shows most likely to get you laid:
Attraction and Anxiety
Normal People
Conversations with Friends
They stare at each other. They talk about their feelings. Stay with me. Sally Rooney (the author of these confections) has mastered the art of the sex scene that speaks to women. If you can suffer through the long silences, sparse dialogue, and close-ups of faces, pay attention to Joe Alwyn in a gray overcoat or Paul Mescal in pretty much anything— they are putting on a masterclass in getting the girl. Think of it like game tape for your love life.
Fellas. Seriously. Glasses on. Notepad. Pencil. You will roll your eyes, but you’ll also learn something.
The Hot Priest Is No Joke
Fleabag
There is nothing sexual about this show besides one charming clergyman who downright delivers. Andrew Scott as the “Hot Priest” became one of the most talked-about TV characters of the last decade. Charming, tortured, sexy, funny, but putting all that aside— he also lands one of the most emotionally devastating lines in the history of television. Don’t you want to see what all the fuss is about?
Nostalgia for High School
Euphoria
You’re welcome for a legitimate excuse to watch Sydney Sweeney ride a carousel horse. Didn’t have sex in high school? You’ll forget all about it. Euphoria is wildly unrealistic cinematic perfection.
Nostalgia for College
Tell Me Lies
In case you thought we women were interested in a healthy relationship, this show demonstrates that we can easily go for a walking red flag with strong eye contact that ruins an entire decade of our lives. It’s college all over again, especially for millennials, and this will remind her of the good old days— with twin beds and theme parties and Facebook photo albums. It’s part hot part desire for a simpler time when cringe was just plain awkward.
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The XXX Files
Californication
Red Shoe Diaries
David Duchovny long ago cornered the market on sexy, brooding, anti-heroes who chain-smoke and quote literature. Accept no imitations.
Of Another Era
Outlander
Yes, this is a show about a woman who time travels through centuries by placing her hands on a large rock in the middle of a field in Scotland. However, almost every scene is set in a dark cave with an ungodly number of candles. There are potions and sword fighting and tons of nudity and I think you should just be grateful that I am not subjecting you to Bridgerton.
Come for the Murder, Stay for the Vacation Hook Ups
The White Lotus
As much as we enjoy seeing a horse get its head chopped off a la Game of Thrones, we would prefer to be transported to an oceanfront luxury suite in Hawaii or a secluded villa courtyard in Sicily or a yacht off the coast of Thailand, if you’re trying to set a mood, and I think that you should be. It’s good to be rich and on vacation and in my next life, I’m coming back as an Italian call girl, and you can’t stop me.
Why Is It Hot? We Don’t Know
True Blood
You
Sometimes, violence is the answer. Now. I’m not condoning murder, stalking, or keeping someone imprisoned in a soundproof glass cage in the basement of a bookstore, but if a hot guy should just so happen to possess other more appealing qualities, we can at least hear them out. Okay, so he keeps a box full of teeth of the people he’s murdered, but he’s extremely attentive and protective and quiet as he follows you through the streets. Shouldn’t that count for something?
I Blame Connecticut
Sex/Life
Mad Men
The lawn is perfect. The husband is beautiful. The PTA invites keep rolling in. Yet what is with this sense of longing that they just can’t shake by fixing up the house and hosting parties? Maybe lunch with an ex-boyfriend in the city will do the trick? I sure hope so! These shows have it all: Late night martinis. Secret rendez-vous. Women who spend most of their lives wearing nightgowns. Don’t be surprised if she asks you to dress up in a suit and demand a whiskey, neat, upon arriving home from your five o’clock train.
The Failsafe
The Affair
A deserted beach. Outdoor showers. Motels. Remote cabins. The occasional appearance of a sun-drenched Joshua Jackson. This one will get her, every single time.