BUCKWILD: Episode Three


During the intro,

while Shain’s driving his four wheeler he yells out  “Up here on top of this mountain, we don’t have to worry about the law. Law ain’t gon come up here and get us”


While it may be true that the law “ain’t

gon come up there and getya”, you’re also being videotaped and the things you say are being broadcast to a national audience so guess what there Revolutionary Randy, you’re shit out of luck when you come back down that

mountain if you’ve done broke da law. 



episode begins with some sort of a hunt to find Shae in which Anna and Ashley

wonder aloud why someone as gorgeous as Shae has dated a long list of losers.

The answer is of course, child abuse.    


We get to ride along

with these two to Shae’s boyfriends (surprise surprise) trailer home! Yet another plot line unravels as Jessie J opens the door and we discover that, considering

how old he looks, what he’s doing with Shae is probably against the law. Oh, and he has a daughter, who I feel very sorry for.


As the trio, Ashley,

Anna and Shae leave, Shae lets it be known that “things are going really great with Jessie” and despite the fact he has a child out of wedlock she’s even more

attracted to him because of the “fact that he’s such a good dad”. Facts are objective not subjective. Your idea of what constitutes a “good dad” is going to be wildly different from that of someone who wasn’t molested. This is where, if I were in charge of MTV, I’d soundbite a thunder strike with a voice that proclaims in a Godly manner “Daddy

Issues.” I mean, Jessie J walks out of his trailer home at noon in basketball shorts, a wife beater OVER a wife beater and a goateestrap (which is a term I just coined). That’s father of the year material if you ask me.


Then MTV takes us  back to the “Jackass” inspired part of the show as Shain lets us know that “when it’s hot around here, we don’t need no water park or no pool or nuttin. All we need is some soap, a tarp, and a hill.” I’m going to let you guess which one of the three wasn’t provided by MTV.


The gang sets out it’s massive tarp and as the lyrics “Gonna Rock, Gonna Roll” hit

us, Shain jumps into a inflatable kiddie pool and propels himself down the 15

degree slope at speeds topping 10mph. Pretty rock and roll if you ask me. 


Afterwards we’re

taken to some fucking awful party scene in Shain’s backyard which ends with Shain shooting a pistol in the air and declaring the party over. Apparently Shain has to work at 4:30 in the morning and couldn’t find the intestinal fortitude to go into work with a hangover like everyone else in America. This guy is as “Rock and Roll” as salad and light beer on your rider. Then Jessie J saves the show by inviting the girls back to his place to continue the night. I can only imagine he’s got roofies stashed away for just such an occasion.


I want to tell you  some more about Jessie J. If you’ve watched the show this will make sense to you and if you haven’t then picture a guy who’s literally tailor made for the

military but he’s just too fucking stupid to get in. Also, his name is Jessie J. What kind of self-respecting man would allow himself to go by the name Jessie J? None. There’s a woman who goes by the name Jessie J but she doesn’t live in a trailer in West Virginia with a motherless child. No, she’s actually built quite a nice career for herself. 


The episode takes a  tremendous downtown as some “drama” ensues. Apparently Shaes

pedophilic boyfriend tries to seduce one of the other girls by waking her up, writing “hey meet me in the bathroom in 5” on his phone and shoving it in her face. Somehow none of the girls expected this from this shooter.

Casanova gets out of this  one after a brief five-minute conversation put her in her place and the blame on her friends who “keep buzzin around”. Fucking bitches.


While this super  intriguing shit is going on there is another layer to our plot. Trashman and Sparkplug are trying to turn Tyler into a man by making him ride a dirt bike and jump off a bridge into a river. You know, the type of tangible life skills that’ll help him out when he fathers his first child a few weeks after the season finale. 


The line of the  episiode comes out of Shaes mouth at the end and captures her ever present abuse issues so perfectly.


Jessie J shows up at  “girls dinner”. You know, the type girls have so they can get wild

and crazy. Woooo. Drinks, desserts, and duckfaces. He sits down, which prompts

the chick he tried to bang to get up and walk away. The MTV cameras are hot on

the trail of action as Shae and Jessie J confront the chick outside…


“I don’t believe,  like what you told me and like…” says Shae.

“Whaaaat?” replies Salwas.

 Jessie J pipes in with “Why would I wake you up and try to have sex with you when Shae’s right there. “

 And Shae wins by quietly mumbling, “And I’m such a light sleeper”.


Anyone else with not so

latent memories of their fathers waking them up to rape them please call a sexual abuse helpline before MTV finds you and ruins whatever’s left of your