What is chill? In the real world, a lot of things. Listening to country music. Drinking beer. Chillin’. All those things are chill.
But how does pounding Bud Light and jamming out to Jason Aldean translate to the world of fantasy and magic?
This season of Game of Thrones, I spend ten weeks trying to figure that out.
It was difficult. Is mass murder chill? No. Is having sex with a hot queen chill? Yes. What about having sex with a hot queen while authorizing mass murder chill?
This is where things get dicey.
But thankfully, all season to guide us, we’ve had the Game of Thrones Chill Bro Rankings.
Here are our final standings for Season Five.
Ramsey Bolton: Disqualified
It takes a lot for a chill Bro like myself to completely cast you out of the world of chill.
45. David Benioff and D.B. Weiss: Negative A Billion
Three good episodes, two really terrible ones, and a billion attempts to rebrand misogyny as chill. Well, I’ve got news for you. It is not.
44. Stannis Baratheon: -100,100
Stannis’ failed march to the Iron Throne had all the grace, nuance, and thought of a toddler throwing a temper tantrum in a Toys “R” Us, only with a million more people dying.
43. Cersei Lannister: -10,700
Wouldn’t know what chill is with a thermostat and a tank of liquid nitrogen.
42: Lord Petyr Baelish: -10,000
Really wanting to fuck a traumatized teen girl is not okay in my book.
41. Ser Jorah Mormont: -4,800
Obviously, did some things right at the end, but we can’t ignore the kidnapping and the lying about carrying an infectious, deadly disease. Just not chill things to do.
40. Drogon: -1,500
Bitch ass dragon is a bitch. Story at 11.
39. The Sparrows: -1,000
Stealing another man’s booze is not cool. Destroying an entire city’s supply is one of the worst things a group of humans could do.
38. Brienne of Tarth: -1,100
She needs to take a fucking Xanax.
37. The Sons of The Harpy: -300
I actually thought these guys were pretty cool.
36. Meryn Trant: -250
So this season had two incidents of old dudes trying to fuck traumatized teen girls. Okay.
35. Arya Stark: -200
2 Millennial 2 Care
34. Daario Naharis: -125
Kinda was a bitch about a lot of things, no? Talked to much, too.
33. Melisandre: -100
Yea. She uhhh … she wasn’t the best.
32. Samwell Tarly: -50
From nominating Jon for Lord Commander to leaving for the Citadel, literally everything he did this season helped get his best friend killed.
No one would call a guy who gets his best friend killed “chill.”
Also, book learnin’s for the queers.
31. The Dude Boning Loras Tyrell: 0
Played with some dick, sold out an entire family. You win some, you lose some.
T-25. Areo Hotah: 100
Was a very loyal servant to the Dornish crown.
T-25. Winter: 100
Did not do much but be itself and being yourself is super chill.
T-25. Bronn the Sellsword: 100
Kinda thirsty, no?
T-25. Kevan Lannister: 100
Walked out of a seat on the Small Council in protest. Respect.
T-25. Mance Rayder: 100
Took his fire death like a god damn boss.
T-25: King Tommen Baratheon, First of His Name: 100
Did not receive enough negative points for letting an entire city fall apart because he wasn’t getting laid and missed his mom. Should have had more negative points.
24. Myrcella Baratheon: 200
23. The Night’s King: 250
Can’t be unchill when you are undead.
T-20. Lord Varys: 400
How he popped up out of nowhere at the end was very dope.
T-20. The Unsullied: 400
Not not chill, but not chill either.
T-20. Ser Davos Seaworth: 400
Didn’t want a girl to be burned to death at the stake. That counts for a lot.
T-16. The Wall: 500
T-16. Rhaegal And Viserion: 500
If you had to pick between emo dragons and not emo dragons, you would always pick the not emo dragons.
T-16. Poderick: 500
The only happy-go-lucky man in all of Westeros.
T-16. The Sand Snakes: 500
15. Maester Aemon: 600
14. Tyrion Lannister: 700
Boozed it up. Made some good choices. Is now poised to do some cool shit. Beat a guy up with a chain. Chill abounds with this little man.
T-12. Ser Allister Thorne: 750
Of all the rankings, I probably fucked this one up the most.
T-12: Theon Greyjoy: 750
Wait. Never mind. I have no idea how Theon wound up this high as well. I am not good at this.
T-9. Wun Weg Wun Dar Wun: 1,000
I just really like when he said “TOOOORMUUUUND.”
T-9. Ghost: 1,000
Game of Thrones strongest anti-rape advocate.
T-9. Roose Bolton: 1,000
Maybe the only dude on this show who knows what the fuck is up, fucked up as his people may be.
8. Ser Barristan Selmy: 1,300
Went down with a damn good fight.
7. Grey Worm: 1,700
Super chill. Tried to bone while injured, tried to go rescue Danny while injured. Did not succeed either time, but both good job and good effort.
6. The High Sparrow: 1,900
Mike Trout-like season.
T-4. The Mountain: 5,000
Did nothing all season except lie on a bed. Can’t disrespect that.
T-4. Tormund Giantsbane: 5,000
Look at that look. Are you gonna tell him he’s not chill? I’m not gonna tell him.
3. Jaqen H’ghar: 9,750
Despite what appears to be piss poor tutelage skills and a lot of stick wackin’, he’s just too fucking cool to hate.
2. Daenerys Targaryen: 11,000
She really shouldn’t be ranked this high. But you know, she did kill a lot of people with a dragon, which, contrary to what I said in the intro, is chill.
1. Jon Snow: 199,950
Really, was there ever any doubt?
Thank you everyone who read this, and especially all of you who commented. It was really a blast to do (as dumb an idea as it was) and I’m looking forward to next season.
If you disagree with anything, bring it to the comments.