Here’s the Shit You Need to Know About Your Girl’s Celebrity Crushes

Hi guys, it’s been awhile. Since the last time I wrote, I secured a full-time position at an entertainment magazine. The cool part of the job is getting to hear celebrity dirt before its broadcasted across the nation. But there are some downfalls. For example, I’ve discovered flaws in every single one of my celebrity crushes.

After getting over the initial devastation of realizing Ryan Gosling is not the perfect man, I decided the news could be beneficial to you guys and your relationships.

Everybody has a celebrity crush or five or six. Guys and girls included. Lusting after famous females like Kate Upton and Scarlett Johansson is totally normal and almost a rite of passage. Think of the day you first laid eyes on Britney Spears in her schoolgirl uniform singing “Baby One More Time.” That day you became a man. Bu, for whatever reason, when your girlfriend plays the same game and lists her own fantasy Hollywood hookups, it hurts a little bit.

Even if you don’t realize it, hearing her say that some other guy is so hot and would totally be her free pass if she ever had the opportunity to hookup with him is daunting. I’m sure you’ve rebutted with things like, “Seriously? That guy is a tool” or “Sorry to break it to you babe, but I’m pretty sure Zac Efron is gay.”

Realistically, she will never actually cheat on you with Brad Pitt, but just hearing her talk about him might make you feel inferior about your own good looks. I mean, these people make a living off looking good. Their job is to be in the gym 24/7 and create incredibly unrealistic goals for the rest of us in terms of diet and grooming.

That’s why I decided to share my knowledge of Hollywood’s leading men’s imperfections to help boost your own ego, and hopefully knock him right off that pedestal she has him on. Because damn it, you’re better than Gosling.

Channing Tatum

Women everywhere swooned when Channing went shirtless in Magic Mike, but as of late Tatum has gone from hunky to chunky and even poked fun at himself on a recent Ellen Degeneres Show appearance. The actor referred to himself as “fappy,” defined as a combination of “fat” and “happy,” since his daughter was born. Note that his hot as hell wife had an effing baby and is already back to her fit, smokeshow self.

Zac Efron

The former Disney star did a stint in rehab for partying a little too hard and also turned up on Lindsay Lohan’s hookup list. Which in my opinion is not something to be bragging about, but I guess with all that partying he wasn’t using his best judgment. Nevertheless he should be docked a few points for having impossibly low standards.

Adam Levine

Also on Lindsay’s fuck buddy list. I hope he and Zac went to the clinic together to get tested.

Brad Pitt

Well, for starters, he cheated on his then-wife Jennifer Aniston with current wife Angelina Jolie. Not cool. He also has become the epitome of a whipped husband and seems to be tired and aging quickly, trying to keep up with Angie and their army of children.

George Clooney

Clooney is Hollywood’s ultimate bachelor. He’s dated some of the most beautiful women in the world but has never and will never settle down. Commitment just isn’t his thing. Even if your girl scored a night with the Silver Fox he would move on the very next day. Or maybe even within a few hours.

Johnny Depp

Similar to George Clooney, in that he cannot commit for his life. True, he is currently engaged to Amber Heard who is gorgeous and an ex-lesbian(?), but prior to putting a ring on her he was engaged to FOUR other women: Sherilyn Fenn, Jennifer Grey, Winona Ryder and Kate Moss. He is a serial fiancé. The man also has a vast collection of hats and I find that weird. No one should own that many fedoras.

Ryan Gosling

So it’s really hard to find dirt on this guy. He really is a saint. BUT he did just admit in an interview that he will be taking a break from acting. “I’ve been doing it too much. I’ve lost perspective on what I’m doing. I think it’s good for me to take a break and reassess why I’m doing it and how I’m doing it. And I think this is probably a good way to learn about that. I need a break from myself as much as I imagine the audience does.” I’m heartbroken. But luckily for you, your girlfriend won’t be salivating over him in any chick flicks anytime soon.


From Degrassi to one of hip hop’s most successful rappers, Drake has really made a name for himself. But he needs to learn when to move on. He’s been pining after Rihanna for what feels like a century and while they’ve reportedly had their hookups here and there, she hasn’t gone for anything serious. With that in mind, his “Forever” lyrics are starting to sound really creepy… “I want this shit forever mine, ever mine, ever mine, ever mine.”

Robert Pattinson

R. Patts was in a relationship with his Twilight costar Kristen Stewart until she cheated on him with her director, Rupert Sanders. And then, he took her back even after she admitted infidelity to the press. Where is his pride? I’m embarrassed for him. He also has put on some weight causing some media to change his nickname from R. Patts to R. Fatts.

Liam Hemsworth

Liam was once engaged to Miley Cyrus. Nothing more needs to be said.

Feel free to casually mention these flaws to your girlfriend the next time you hear, “OMG he is beyond hot. I can’t even.”

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