On a warm afternoon sometime around 1999, instead of doing the job I was being paid to do, my good friend and I spent over an hour glued to a small transistor radio.
Instead of painting dorm room after dorm room after dorm room at a private school in New Jersey the same eggshell tint, my friend and I cackled with laughter as Howard, Fred, Jackie, Robin, Stuttering John and random listeners who paid money to sit in studio ripped apart a video love letter/apology filmed by long-time Stern show producer and continual whipping boy Gary “Baba Booey” Dell’Abate.
Everyone has their Howard Stern Show moment — that moment of time in life when even though it felt as if the entire world was repeatedly kicking you in the nuts with a pair of steel-toed Timberlands, the Stern show made everything feel a little bit better. Gary unearthing that VHS tape, made for an ex-girlfriend, while cleaning out his office created radio magic and it made a crap day, at a crap job, for crap pay, a little easier to drudge through.
Yesterday, a friend passed along a Craiglist listing. The Howard Stern Show is looking for a writer and producer. He encouraged me to submit my stuff.
There’s an old expression that goes “It’s dangerous to meet your idols because you’ll always be disappointed” and while I’m sure Howard, Fred, Robin and the gang are just as cool as I’ve been told by people lucky enough to have sat in studio or bumped into one or other in and around the city, but in this case the show is my idol and I wouldn’t want to do anything to ruin the years of memories. Plus, it’s a super long shot they’d even see my resume considering every comic, writer and Eli Braden will be submitting material.
I’ve decided instead to create an online submission here on the website. This is what I would have said, and sent, in hopes of landing a gig with the most influential radio show of all time.
Dear Person Who Reads Howard’s Email or HR Person,
Hello. This letter is in regard to the open position at The Howard Stern Show. I’d like to apply for the position.
Here is more than you’ll ever really want to know about me — These are the humor books I’ve written, these are the articles I’ve written, this is the blog I do about my inadequacies as a father, this is where I write daily, and here’s where I make bad jokes on Twitter (hint — it links to Twitter). I also do stand-up. See.
One of my tweets was named “best jokes of the year” by the New York Post, which is cool, considering I thought the only way to get into the Post was by being the backup quarterback for the New York Jets or killing someone.
If I’m being honest, I stole this whole letter from the welcome page of my own website. I don’t work hard, I work smart, though that’s probably not smart to admit in a job application.
I’m honored just to apply to the position. I’m higher than Eric the Midget with a bundle of balloons tied to his chair.
I’ve also mailed a crisp $5 bill to your office. If I’m hired, it’s yours to keep. If not, I’ll be there to collect.
If you’re interested in applying to the position, check out the official listing here.