Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re thought-provoking, and sometimes we don’t know what they’re talking about. This list is all of that and more. Strap in. It could get bumpy.
Related: The 50 most entertaining celebrities to follow on Twitter
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It is amazing to me what we will pursue in the name of happiness when orgasms are free.
— Kayden Kross (@Kayden_Kross) September 15, 2014
I like where her head is at.
The new Nick Jonas song couldn't be creepier if you paid it.
— Lena Dunham (@lenadunham) September 15, 2014
And here I pegged her as a Nick Jonas fan.
Lead story on the local news was that it was hot out today.
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) September 15, 2014
Makes sense. What else has been going on? Oh, right.
When are those people writing spam going to at least make it interesting?
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) September 15, 2014
Is that really too much to ask?
I like a lumpy pillow. Literally. It's not weird sex slang
— Sarah Silverman (@SarahKSilverman) September 15, 2014
Yes, it is.
I'm on the toilet at Target & there's a couple in the stall next to me imitating the coffee shop scene w/ Olivier Martinez & Diane Lane…
— Chad Johnson (@ochocinco) September 15, 2014
Ocho…on the toilet…in Target.
https://twitter.com/natefernald/status/511544749892067328
Right there with you, Nate.
According to Miss America pageant if you say "just judging your commitment to fitness" you can stare at somebody's ass & tits all you want
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) September 15, 2014
‘Murica.
I'm on the toilet at Target & there's a couple in the stall next to me imitating the coffee shop scene w/ Olivier Martinez & Diane Lane…
— Chad Johnson (@ochocinco) September 15, 2014
Chad Johnson, on the toilet at Target. Let that one sink in.
Watching an NFL GM attempt to explain away a four-year-old's injury is quite a bleepshow.
— Richard Deitsch (@richarddeitsch) September 15, 2014
Truly pitiful.
I'm gonna assume all guys who buy the iPhone 6 Plus have tiny dicks.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) September 15, 2014
Right there with you, Jenny. (Says Samsung phone owner.)
https://twitter.com/michaelianblack/status/511752403155030016
I’m sure this tweet went over well.
Why is everything in 7-Eleven always dusty?
— Elizabeth Gillies (@LizGillies) September 16, 2014
That’s actually a good question.
CBS you pulled my song last week, now you wanna slide it back in this Thursday? NO, Fuck you! Y'all are sad for penalizing me for this.
— Rihanna (@rihanna) September 16, 2014
Go Ri-Ri, go Ri-Ri.
Can I get a date on the last baby girl named Shirley?
— Michelle Beadle (@MichelleDBeadle) September 16, 2014
Has to be sometime in the 1950’s, right?
Fuck
— lena headey (@IAMLenaHeadey) September 16, 2014
I hear you, Lena.
https://twitter.com/chrissyteigen/status/511973456385409024
Yeah, can’t have that.
Dearest Fox, Please give back Firefly if you are not going to use it. 😉 My best, Bill
— William Shatner (@WilliamShatner) September 17, 2014
Bill is not alone on this one.
Shocked we made it through the day without the Vikings reversing course on Adrian Peterson playing. Can't see it getting to Sunday.
— Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) September 17, 2014
Darren Rovell: Mind reader.
https://twitter.com/michaelianblack/status/512092840693080064
Depends on the airline.
Time stands still for no man…..everyone talking about their Christmas and New Year plans. Yikes.
— Elizabeth Hurley (@ElizabethHurley) September 17, 2014
She needs new friends if they’re doing that now.
https://twitter.com/chrissyteigen/status/512197890518032384
Smart.
So, you thought you could go to sleep for just a few hours without something absolutely crazy happening in the NFL (again). You were wrong.
— Rachel Nichols (@Rachel__Nichols) September 17, 2014
Don’t blink, you might miss something.
I imagine Chris Berman thinks the Vikings acted decisively. And the punt is blocked.
— Richard Deitsch (@richarddeitsch) September 17, 2014
This will be truly funny to those that get it.
Wait, so Adrian Peterson's son has a chance to turn out like Sean Hannity? No harm done, then!
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) September 17, 2014
Yep, it’s all good.
BREAKING NEWS: Beyoncè photoshopped her thighs (again) on Instagram, the NFL is a giant shitshow and that plane is still missing.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) September 17, 2014
Dammit, I forgot about the plane!
“Let us not lose sight of the fact that I’m horrible too.” — Reggie Bush, basically.
— (((Jew))) (@JoshMalina) September 17, 2014
Basically.
https://twitter.com/IrelandBBaldwin/status/512345416977764352
What’s your point, Ireland?
FYI to all new IPHONE 6 buyers, there will also be a free selfie of me already in ur photo roll 💁
— KATY PERRY (@katyperry) September 17, 2014
No removal tool necessary.
Just wondering what goes thru the mind of Arod as he watches – reads- & hear's what ppl r saying about Derek Jeter?
— Dick Vitale (@DickieV) September 18, 2014
A cool breeze?
Bono just put some CDs through my door.
— Ricky Gervais (@rickygervais) September 18, 2014
Dude just won’t give up.
Got home and finally watched last weeks episode of WWE DIVAS and those women are cra cra brother,brothers please tread carefully brother. HH
— Hulk Hogan (@HulkHogan) September 18, 2014
So much to digest in that one simple tweet.
Sign that twitter is rancid no matter what you say is the fact that ppl can rip Jeter AND Sinatra after my tweet lovin up the new spot
— Jay Glazer (@JayGlazer) September 18, 2014
Twitter is Rancid is my new band’s name.
I'm in the exit row. I lied, and said I would help in an emergency.
— Paula Poundstone (@paulapoundstone) September 18, 2014
Whatever it takes to get that extra leg room.
MEN lie!!! #disgusted
— Brandi Glanville (@BrandiGlanville) September 18, 2014
Wait, really?
https://twitter.com/chrissyteigen/status/512839384467779584
Dammit, foiled again.
Just saw a lion run down a hillside and across the road in front of my car! And I'm not leaving the Ice House Zaire. I'm in Pasadena.
— Arsenio Hall (@ArsenioHall) September 19, 2014
Totally normal. Move along.
https://twitter.com/WhitneyCummings/status/512847887470845952
Ummm…
FUCK THE KETCHUP
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) September 16, 2014
Have a great weekend, everybody!