Here’s Your Official 2016 Oscars Drinking Game
The Oscars is one of those events that so many people watch that you almost have to or else you feel like you’re missing out on a shared cultural experience, sort of like the Super Bowl. The only problem is that, outside of a few tense moments in the categories people actually care about, the Oscars is horrifically boring.
Thankfully, there is an ancient and incredibly effective way for combating boredom that anyone can do: drinking yourself into a goddamn stupor. And because we’re all gentlemen and raconteurs here, let’s not just chug without meaning. No, let’s give our degeneracy shape by tying it to our milieu, like scientists or poets or whatever the fuck smart people do. In short: let’s have a goddamn Oscars drinking game, bros.
– Take a drink every time host Chris Rock makes a joke referencing the controversy surrounding the lack of black acting nominees and the subsequent boycott led by Spike Lee and the Smiths (the Will and Jada kind, not the Morrissey kind.)
– Drink whenever the camera pans to the lily-white audience laughing nervously after each joke.
– Chug if Rock just says fuck it and starts laying into the audience, calling out specific people like he’s in a club savaging hecklers. Finish your drink if they just keep laughing nervously anyway.
– Drink every time a speech runs long and the orchestra cuts them off.
– Drink if they keep trying to give their speech over the music anyway.
– Chug if this actually works and the orchestra stops playing.
– Drink every time a white guy wins an award (this alone should get you pretty drunk).
– Drink whenever the white guy who won tries to dedicate the win to black actors even though just hours earlier he was overheard asking Chris Rock whatever happened to his show on Comedy Central.
– Chug if the white actor tries to invite a black actor on stage to give him his award, which isn’t patronizing at all. Nope.
– Drink every time a winner for one of the foreign films painfully tries to get through a speech in broken English.
– Drink when the crowd acts like it was the best speech ever even though they couldn’t understand any of it.
– Chug if the speech is in the winner’s native language, and the crowd reacts like it was the best speech ever even though he was actually saying something super-offensive.