We are in the home stretch. We are down to Robby, Luke, Chase, and Aaron Jordan Rodgers and I’m not sure anyone cares.
I have a confession to make: aside from the hometown dates, this part of the season is not my cup of tea. I, frankly, don’t like it. I watch this show for the entertainment, and there isn’t much of it in the last few episodes. I’m in it for the tension that comes in a house full of testosterone trying to prove its worth. I’m in it for the Chads of the world. I’m in it for the Evans, the guys who I can make fun of in the comfort of my dorm room behind a computer screen. I’m in it for when the Chads and Evans collide, but both of those types are most likely done at this point of the season, which means negative entertainment.
You know what I’m not a Bachelor/ette fan for? The sob stories these guys tell. Yes, some of them are valid, but it’s tough to watch a white guy with a six pack and perfect hair, that is going to end up selling bullshit teeth whitening supplies and fitness supplements on Instagram when this show is over, tell a sob story. I, truthfully, don’t care that you feel unlovable, because as I write this with popcorn stains on my shirt, I’m fresh off a streak of swiping right on 20 straight girls on Tinder that returned zero matches. I, and most of #BachNation, do not care about your failed past relationship.
But the number one thing that grinds my gears about this show is the common trend of The Bachelorette discussing how tough the break ups are. Tonight, JoJo broke up with two guys and made the situation about her. JoJo cried about the difficulty of every breakup, boohoo poor me was JoJo’s theme tonight, not that a guy just got his heart broken on national television or anything.
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Dear JoJo, past and future Bachelorettes, it’s a part of the job. I don’t know what’s worse: JoJo crying about breaking up with a guy who plays the guitar too much, or a middle school student complaining about his or her “stressful” workload.
Anyways, my rant about a thing that doesn’t matter at all is over. Maybe I’m just in a bad mood, but I give #BachNation my true thoughts every time I sit down in front of a keyboard. You see, there are other Bachelor/ette bloggers out there who kiss up to JoJo, but that’s not me. I am a lunch pail blogger; I pack my lunch pail and come to work and do my job. I call it like it is. The readers expect nothing less. I expect nothing less out of myself. I shoot from the hip, folks. Onto our annual goodbyes, power rankings, and awards.
P.S. Dear Keyboard Warriors, no I do not think that it’s just The Bachelorette that cries about the difficulty of her “job.” This has nothing to do with gender. Ben did it last season, so did Robot Farmer Chris two seasons ago. Just like anything in this world, this trend has been going BOTH WAYS.
James Taylor (LW: 6):
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I feel bad that James Taylor ever thought he had a chance. He was the kid who texted the hottest girl in high school for two months straight only to learn she’s been banging the quarterback the entire time. He then continued to text the girl, because you never know, right? Those conversations turned into her complaining about the quarterback and how he’s such a douchebag, he finally went in for the move one night, only to be met with a “come on, James Taylor, you know I think of you like a brother.”
Napoleon Alex (LW: 4): I gained respect for Alex this week. He didn’t cry. He didn’t moan. He didn’t pull the “thanks for everything, this was a great experience” card. When JoJo threw him her curveball, he looked at her and hit her with a cold, “take care.”
I went on Alex’s Instagram today, and realized the beauty of going on this show and losing in the final stages. Alex is pretty much a celebrity now. Hundreds of thousands of followers and you know them DMs are open. Not a bad pay off.
- Robby (LW: 5):
- Robby’s exit interview is either going to be filled with a lot of tears or anger. There is going to be no in-between.
- When I was looking at the final four remaining I realized one thing: they all have the same haircut! I don’t know what it is with JoJo, but she has a thing for the Hitler youth haircut.
- Chase (LW: 3):
- Chase is trying to pull the whole attack the frontrunner thing by questioning his character, and it’s not really working. Chase, for you to do that you need to have sociopathic type tendencies, you are too nice to do that.
- Jordan (LW: 2):
- Jordan’s situation with his brother, Aaron, confuses me. A part of me is disappointed that I’m not going to have an Aaron Rodgers-Olivia Munn hometown date, but I knew that was probably coming because the two of them are way above this crappy reality TV show. The other part of me is questioning this “strained relationship.” Jordan is making it seem as if him and Aaron haven’t talked in a long time. For those of you who don’t know, Olivia Munn is married to Aaron. Jordan’s ex-girlfriend has become great friends with Olivia Munn, and I’m confused how that would’ve happened if Jordan and Aaron don’t talk to each other.
- Also, Jordan was talking up his other brother like he was the future Chris Rock. I’m not sure if he knows this, but that brother has a grand total of zero Super Bowl championships to his name. I want a Super Bowl winner on my screen during hometowns, not the guy who tells a funny joke or two at Thanksgiving dinner.
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- I watched this entire scene and thought to myself, “man, it must be nice to be a man’s man.”
- Of course, Luke can shoot a gun like a champ. I couldn’t name you one thing he doesn’t do like a champ. What a guy.
- I’m really excited to meet Luke’s family. I’m hoping for some great Texan accents. I’m also hoping this red solo cup in Luke’s brothers (?) hand is a spitter and he’s got a massive hammer of dip in his mouth throughout the episode:
Moment Of The Night:
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Nice try out of James Taylor here to be the outgoing guy…didn’t really work.
Awkward Moment Of The Night:
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I thought at any moment this horse and the Gaucho were going to get it on.
Quote Of The Night:
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“But to get in a side card, he need a stool….HE NEED A STOOL!!!!!”
The “Act Like You’ve Been There Before” Award:
If you don’t get this award think of this Vince Lombardi quote, “when you get in the end zone, act like you’ve been there before.”
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I highly doubt that JoJo actually hit that target, but even if so, if you score a touchdown you give the ball to the ref and go back to your sideline….stop being a primadonna.
Hardo Of The Night:
Noun- a person who tries extremely hard at everything. Most times a hardo will try very hard at things that do not require excessive effort.
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If a man wants to look at a beautiful woman on his own time, you shouldn’t call him out on it in front of his girl…..don’t be a hardo, James Taylor, you were already a dead man walking.
Internet Moment Of The Night:
Let me know your thoughts on last nights episode over on Twitter @BigDaddysCourt (I follow back)!