There is a pretty funny truth about most sex songs: The ones, on the surface, that you think are perfect for sex… aren't. In high school, roughly 97% of bros lost their virginity to Dave Matthews' “Crash Into Me.” “Crash Into Me” is incredibly creepy—Matthews has said before that he wrote the lyrics from the perspective of a Peeping Tom watching a girl through her bedroom window, and if you listen past the chorus, you'll hear lyrics that sound like a man doing his best serial killer impression. '80s bros sometimes threw on Sting's “Every Breath You Take.” Same thing.
Then, there's that other classic of the genre, R. Kelly's “Bump n Grind,” which is a little better, but at this point, it's almost impossible to listen to without laughing because, I mean, R. Kelly.
So it is with, today's subject, The Weeknd. The Weeknd's first three albums were, musically, among the smoothest to be released in the past few years, and it's a fact that he and Frank Ocean have essentially rescued R&B from its early grave. But no one has been creepier than the Toronto native: “Initiation,” “Wicked Games,” “Rolling Stone” are all songs about obsession, fetishes, and saying disturbing shit in the middle of the night, among other frightening tropes. His new song, “Kiss Land,” (above) also sounds on the surface to be the run-of-the-mill sex song you might play for your girlfriend, but the third verse focuses on hooking up with a stripper while on 14 different kinds of drugs.
I know that listening to a song's lyrics while having sex is akin to reading Playboy for the articles. But right now, in the cruel light of day? Let's take a moment to laugh at the absurdity of it all. Tonight, someone is going to play “Kiss Land” while trying to get laid. And these lyrics will be playing: “And I mix it up with some alcohol and I pour it up in a shot/I don't care about you, why you worried 'bout me?/All I want is that smoke, give me all of that smoke/Last week was my rough week, I'm still drippin' down from my nose.”