Here’s An Email Alerting Us To The Dumbest Beer Pong Idea Ever

Beer pong is a convivial but repugnant drinking game. We all know this for fact. There isn’t a moment of beer pong that isn’t fucking disgusting and the game gets more revolting with every sunk cup.

Thankfully, one company plans to put an end to the sloppiness and spit sharing associated beer pong by making the game incredibly more difficult to set-up, play and keep track of from now on.

Hi Mr. Illuminati,

Do you love beer pong, but secretly find it messy and disgusting? <—- OMG HOW DID THEY KNOW?!?! IS IT THAT OBVIOUS?!?! I tried to hide it all through college. I’d even PURPOSELY spill cups to make it seem like “it’s cool” but my palms would drip and my knees knock and internally I’d scream “THIS GAME IS SO MESSY WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY LIFE IS THIS SORE ON MY LIP GOING TO BE CANCER WHEN IS IT MY TURN!” 

____________ is the beer pong kit that keeps the fun of the game without the filth. <– half of the fun IS the filth because as the night goes on no one wants to fucking drink, especially out of cups that half the campus has literally, NOT FIGURATIVELY, but literally fucking spit in with every sip. And thanks for the courtesy “flick the cup so the beer left in the bottom of the cup sprays all over the apartment so you don’t have to finish a beer and then immediately vomit on the table like a meat wallet in front of the entire women’s softball team.” 

Here’s how: Instead of filling communal drinking cups with liquid that gets dirty and sloshes and spills, Strong Arm Cups uses patent-pending dampers in each playing cup to catch the ball the same way water would <— I KNEW YOU ASSHOLES HAD WATER IN YOUR CUPS! In related news, I’m going to start calling my a dick a “patent-pending damper.” 

Each player has their own personal drinking cup with clearly marked lines that show how much beer should be consumed each turn. This means no more sharing drinking cups with everyone at the party. <– But it means WAY more monitoring to see who’s actually drinking and who’s just pouring cup after cup of beer into one single cup that they’ll walk away with while nodding “GOOD GAME!” only to dump it in the closest trash can. And I’m sorry I just called your girlfriend a trash can.

The entire kit (playing cups, drinking cups and dampers) is dishwasher safe to really clean out any party grime <– But you’ll just throw it into the sink and let it soak until the next party or until someone pukes on it and then you’ll just fucking toss it in the trash. The actual trash, not your girl.

Thankfully, this whole idea is still in the Kickstarter stage and they’re looking for $40,ooo FUCKING DOLLARS?!? Jesus. Aim high, Air Force.

I wish them the best and I can just see it now, going down in every frat house and sorority party or anywhere people just want to put balls in cups and drink. “Guys, I want to play beer pong tonight, but I want to play MY WAY

[5 hours later]

“…and then see everyone gets their own cup and where are you all going and DON’T DUMP THAT BEER THERE, THAT’S MY GIRLFRIEND!”

Follow @chrisilluminati on Twitter. You shant be disappointed.

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Chris Illuminati is a 5-time published author and recovering a**hole who writes about running, parenting, and professional wrestling.