In Defense of Cargo Shorts

I like the internet. I really do. It’s better than freshly baked blueberry muffins by your mother… after, you know… me and her…

But the internet has a problem. It’s a lynch mob whose horses travel 983 million feet per second. It moves too fast for people to reconsider. It’s so much easier to ride with swift moving public opinion, even if it’s blatantly wrong. And that’s how, all of a sudden, you have everyone hating an idea they’d never heard of two days ago.

Which is why I’m pissed right now. Over the past year, the internet turned the greatest invention of my high school years into the equivalent of participating in Kristallnacht.

I love my cargo shorts and I don’t care what you masses have to say. Cargo shorts were my jam growing up. They were tied to the first time I felt cool. Some of you fuckers never had to deal with that, your mother not letting you shop at Abercrombie and Fitch. But when she finally bought me a pair of cargo shorts from there, it was khaki-colored ballin’.

Until this year. Until I got fucking sick of everyone staring at me and saying “Cargo shorts??” like I was dousing a homosexual with gasoline before their very eyes.

OOOOOHHHH BECAUSE FASHION SAYS IT’S OUT. Fashion. You mean the fuckers who skin bears and haphazardly wrap it around anorexic women before drenching them in cyan paint.

Yes. Let’s listen to those people.

I like my cargo shorts. I LOVE MY CARGO SHORTS.

Alright team six-inch inseam J. Crew shorts team. What happens when you need to smuggle a bowl and an eighth into a concert? Ever try to stash a piece in pockets which were designed not to be used? It looks like your dick is growing out of your left thigh. Even if you do get it in, your cell phone, keys and wallet reek of resin. Team cargo shorts over here put his weed and his lighter and his bubbler into his cargo shorts cargo pocket and walked into the concert just fine. So fuck you. Logistically speaking.

But what pisses me off more about this mass hatred of cargo shorts is everyone’s stupid selective selection of a stupid fucking era.


That is you. Basing your identity off a TV show. But you can’t just adopt some element of culture and be like “This is the best!” Clothes come with the period. If you want everyone to wear chino shorts—or whatever they’re called—then you are alright with a time where political and social figures are assassinated on a regular basis. Remember that part of the 60s?

So yea, slim shorts, but Sheryl Sandberg might die. Do you want that?  No ? You just want the cool parts of the decade. Life 101 says you can’t have one without the other.

And come on. You really fucking care about shaming everyone wearing cargo shorts? Is this the cross to bear today? We have drones killing civilians in Yemen, famine in Somalia and bitches like Miley Cryus getting the dankiest of cocaine while all of us in suburbia are stuck paying $100 a bag for the god damn equivalent of Sweet N Blow.

These are the real issues of 2013.

Plus, Jesus taught us that judgment and hatred and bigotry were wrong.

And you just called a guy wearing cargo shorts an asshole.


[Cargo shorts image via ShutterStock]