If Dan Bilzerian Was A Married Couple, He Would Be This Instagram Account


I love Dan Bilzerian, well actually I tolerate Dan Bilzerian, but I adore the hot models he arranges to pose on his Instagram. It’s a strange dynamic, there’s a dude flaunting his wealth, which can infuriate and make you jealous. But then there’s hot chicks on private jets, in infinity pools and firing off big guns, conditions that foster quite the confused boner. Well now there’s a married couple on Instagram that elicits the same love/hate sentiments.

Meet Bastian (Jesus, and I had thought that “Addison” was the douchiest name someone could give their child) and Maria Yotta, who are Hollywood “life-coaches” (Ugghh it some how got douchier!).


The happy couple are socialites who love to host swanky parties at their Hollywood Hills home with a group of seductive girls named… you guessed it… the Yotta Girls!


Not sure if I’m supposed to be envious and angry or just go into the bathroom and fap. Why not do both?


With pearls of wisdom such as this, it’s easy to see why Bastian is a life coach.


I’m not sure what Maria Yotta does for a living, it’s possible she’s a professional coaster replacement.


Looks like they have a nice pool.


It appears they own or lease a lot of fancy automobiles.


I guess I hate him cuz I ain’t him.

Here’s some insightful financial advice from Maria.


I literally got queasy reading this caption.


I’m sure the great philosophers of ancient Babylon inscribed their clay tablets with groundbreaking ideologies in much the same manner as this.


Part of me just became a superhero, my junk is now harder than The Thing.


However, not everyone has greeted the Yottas with welcome arms. Neighbors have complained about loud Playboy Mansion-esque inspired parties (Minus all the celebrities and Playboy models). One particular hedonistic bash had over 350 guests and a lion. This is a neighborhood where it costs between $25,000 and $40,000 a month to rent one of these homes.

Then there’s the garage door.

Yes. This gaudy self-portrait is plastered on the couple’s garage door. If there’s one thing in the world that deserved to be suicide-bombed, it would be this garage door.

I have such a hate-filled boner right now.