People of the world! SkyMall needs our help! In case you didn’t hear, the legendary company has filed for bankruptcy and soon we won’t have anywhere else to conveniently buy crap we really don’t need while sandwiched into an airplane seat on an interminable flight.
As we all know from experience, there’s only one reason not to sleep from wheels up to gate arrival on an airplane, and it features some of the greatest innovation our generation has to offer!
So to help keep SkyMall afloat, here are 10 things you should absolutely buy today to help them avoid going belly up. Just look at this stuff, folks, their collection has grown so much that we didn’t even have room to include classics like the giant plastic rocks to cover shit in your yard!
Excalibur Letter Opener – $18
Letter openers are the only swords most of us will ever own, so make sure it’s a good one. King Arthur himself would be in awe of your triumph over folded paper with this Excalibur Letter Opener. Slice your way into good credit and women’s hearts all at the same time.
Images iGrow Hair Rejuvenation Laser – $700
Baldness got ya down? Strap this thing to your head and the ladies will flock to gander like horny geese. You’ll never lack self-confidence again, and not just because it melted your brain.
SkyRest Travel Pillow – $30
Sleeping in coach can be a pain in the neck. Owning a SkyRest Travel Pillow will ensure you can upgrade to first class with all that internet money when your fellow passengers turn you into the world’s most popular meme.
The One Ring – $130
There’s no greater love than that which is represented by movie paraphernalia. Let your girlfriend know that you truly don’t deserve her by bringing home the One Ring. It’s guaranteed to make you disappear from her life.
Inflatable Movie Screen – $250
Everyone had that friend with a projector TV. Now you can get in on the action even if your house doesn’t have adequate wall space. Just spend 45 hours inflating this 10-foot beast, and you can watch all the dolphins you want from the comfort of your back porch.
Corvette Personal Computer – $800
Oh, you have a sticker on the back of your laptop? That’s cute; I have a car. That’s right; you can look at porn in style with this computer built into a replica of a Chevy Corvette. Nothing says mid-life crisis like desktop computers and Corvettes.
Media Storage Towers – $350
Don’t be ashamed that you still own CD’s; use them as decor. You’re friends are sure to be impressed with classics like Dookie and Semi Charmed Life on display. You can even store all those DVDs you haven’t touched since the day you bought them.
Triceratops Dinosaur Statue – $2800
Lawn gnomes are for poor people. Triceratops statues let a passerby know that you’re not only rich, but you’re also the #1 Land Before Time fan in the neighborhood. Be ready to field literally thousands of questions about your obvious friendship with Jeff Goldblum.
StreetStrider Summit 8r – $2100
America is getting fatter everyday, but we can curb the curves by investing in StreetStriders. Forget Obamacare, stride your way to health all while taking in incredible views of the city that are otherwise impossible to see.
Portable Infrared Sauna – $400
Does your girlfriend complain about being cold all the time? Instead of getting a blanket, throw her in this Portable Infrared Sauna. Her skin will be melting in no time without missing a single minute of Disney’s Frozen. Combine it with the Inflatable Movie Screen for the ultimate sexless movie night!