For thousands of years there has been Man. A few hours after Man was created, so too was Woman. Twice the beauty and only half the driving skills. And for thousands of years, Man has done utterly asinine things on account of Woman. Men have climbed the highest mountains, waged catastrophic wars, built epic monuments in their honor, painted them beautiful pictures and then promptly mailed them their ears; we created wine and designer shoes and Gossip Girl in an attempt to appease the fairer sex.
“Here’s the wheel, Wilma. Now let’s discuss how you might give me a blumpkin without the bathroom sink dinosaur noticing.”Man invented the wheel, so that he could later invent the Ferrari, then the string to place gently on guitars, and right now somewhere in the world there is a guy in a Ferrari listening to the Dave Matthews band in his new car because this is his hot blonde model girlfriend’s favorite song; and like Hannibal from the A-Team, that man is basking in the glory of a plan coming together.
It’s no accident that men do stupid things for women. I’ve been on my share of boring museum tours, an art gallery opening that looked more like a murder scene, weddings for people I don’t know, spent a hellacious afternoon in a Bed Bath and Beyond (charges were later dropped) and yes, I’ve been “paint shopping” before. That’s right, I spent a day looking at those little paint cards at Lowe’s and ended the trip by screaming “There are only two shades of white! There’s “white” and there’s “NOT FING WHITE!” “Pick a Goddamn shade or so help me I’ll take this nail gun and mow EVERYONE in this place down!!!”
Oh yeah, I’ve also been to over three dozen flower shops in probably a dozen or so states. Nothing says “I’m sorry for screaming about voluntary manslaughter in public again,” better than a dozen red roses and a well thought out card.
These pictures show the lengths that men will go to in order to gain their affections. Some are dumb and some are down right idiotic, but the one thing that all males have in common is the shame that goes with doing stupid things for the women we love/want to love/want to have sex with.
Learn to play guitar
As I was saying earlier, men don’t learn to play instruments to get record contracts, men learn to play instruments to get laid. I knew a guy in college and I’m pretty sure he could only play two things: Air Supply and Dave Matthews. How you run the musical gamut and fall face first into those two bands, I still have no idea, but it’s what he knew and it’s all he cared to learn and by God it worked on the ladies.
Now, I’m not going to tell you how many times in a day one has to hear “Crash Into Me,” in a single sitting before they get the urge to kill (1 ½), but I’ll tell you this–no man learns to play Air Supply unless he’s trying to impress a woman. Hell, Air Supply doesn’t listen to Air Supply records without a woman in the room. And you’ll never hear a grown man playing Dave Matthews in a crowd with no woman present unless he wants an epic Full Metal Jacket soap-in-a-pillowcase-style beating.
Yet, everyday young boys pick up guitars and dream of being big rock singers. Actually, they see some hot girl they want to impress—then they decide it’s time to grab and axe and learn to make them swoon. And can you blame them? It’s the only profession that women will throw their panties at you while you work. They certainly don’t do that down at the H&R Block.
Dressing like a total moron
Yeah, so I figured I’d just wake-up this morning, throw on some tighty whiteys, not put on my pants, (screw’em there’s no law against not wearing pants in public), I’d pick out my goofiest red scarf, get my best set of bull horns (the ones I bought at an Indian Casino that my Mom said I would never wear) and head out into the general public, where people are free to point and laugh and possibly arrest me for indecent exposure. A group of Rodeo Clowns called and they want to know what it’s like to wear such a ridiculous outfit. If this blonde is not in this picture, this guy is down at the zoo in his Zorro outfit, brandishing a sword and stabbing everything in sight.
Now if one of my buddies were to come into my apartment looking like this we would get the video camera and shame him until he jumped off a bridge, which leads us to…
Jumping off of really high crap
Gravity has mocked man since the beginning of history. What goes up, must come down. And what goes up even further, comes down all that much harder. Think about how many times that you’ve seen a male jump off of something that you knew was high enough to get him injured. Could you talk sense into him? Maybe. Throw in a girl (or group) and a camcorder and all the sudden the Rock Quarry has so many men falling from the sky that it looks like D-Day. That’s where they get the term, “It’s Raining Men.” True Story.
I don’t know what it is in the male mind that makes us think that women will be impressed by succumbing to gravity from great heights, but we continue to do so and will not stop fighting gravity till we have impressed each and every woman on the planet. But, us really smart guys know that you don’t need to jump off things to impress a woman. That’s what motorcycle wheelies are for. Which leads us to…
Performing in Public
Hmmm, how do I turn my gift of sword swallowing into a way to pick up chicks? Walk to the nearest corner in Santa Monica and you’ll find out. Guys with guitars, guys with monkeys, mimes, sword swallowers, hell, I was in the car one day and saw a guy in Hollywood dressed as Jack Sparrow from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. Not only was he dressed like a moron, he was on stilts and juggled. A true Renaissance man of doing dumb things to impress women. When I saw him, he was on his break smoking a cigarette and get this, he was talking to a girl. I then did what anyone would do, I yelled “Juggle bitch!”
And sure enough he dropped his cigarette and started doing his juggling spiel. Now some of you might think he did that for me, but I knew he was just showing off for the young lady he was with. It’s like Napoleon Dynamite said, “Girls like guys with skills.” And when we hone those skills to a certain point, it’s time to show the lady folk. That didn’t stop me from throwing nickels at tall Jack Sparrow and yelling “Dance Monkey, Dance!”
At some point you have to look at yourself in the mirror and realize that maybe your skill set is not something that is going to help you with the ladies. Like, let’s say this guy…
Did you know my buddy was an ex-fighter pilot who once on a Christmas Eve saved 11 orphans from the “Great St. John’s Orphanage School Bus Fire of 01”? It flipped six times and was submerged at the bottom of a lake, as he dove in and dragged the children to the safety of the shore, which happened to be on a Golden Retriever farm, where he bought each of those kids a puppy and essentially saved both the children’s lives and their faith in humanity in one grand heroic gesture. That day he patched the damaged souls of children who felt they had nothing more in this world to believe in. He was even on the Today Show on it and all on the day before he went on a space mission to help repair the Hubble Telescope. Did you know that?
Either did we until last night at the bar. It’s amazing what you learn about other people once they’ve had a few drinks. We didn’t even know he knew how to swim! But we now know that putting the words “Golden Retriever” and “fighter pilot” in a sentence that ends with “another round of Jose Cuervo shots,” is now a no-brainer when talking to the opposite sex. Right Maverick?
Now I understand that there are probably people out there that actually like getting hit in the face. One day you’re sitting in your boring office, the next day you’re starting a Fight Club and the next thing you know you’re blowing up the Citibank Offices. I’ve seen it happen a thousand times.
For the rest of us, we usually shy away from physical altercations. However, if you get several men in the company of women and somebody decides to start wrestling, all hell usually breaks loose. I’ve seen minor wrestling matches between two buddies trying to impress the same girl that went from a few playful armbars and escalated into WrestleMania 12. It starts with someone pushing someone, then it’s a sleeper hold, then somebody ends up pinning someone to the ground and won’t let them up until they emasculate themselves by saying something like “Josh is the Ultimate Warrior and I’m just a little bitch,” and then when Josh finally lets them up, it switches from WrestleMania and morphs into a Tyson/Holyfield fight. By the end of it all, somebody is bleeding, multiple people are screaming in tongues and usually the girl in question is super pissed off and ends up walking home.
Moral of the story: Women always say they want a man that can protect them, but if that were true, the hottest women would be married to the best lawyers. So unless you’re Anderson Silva and especially if you’re out in public, instead of fighting why not just relax, take a deep breath and slash a guy’s tires. It hurts a hell of a lot less than having your mouth wired shut…what am I saying, you’re gonna fight, so you better fight dirty, win, and get the girl, or you’re just going to end up looking like a douchebag…
Popping a collar and acting like a complete douchebag
Written by BOH contributor Shawn. If you’re an attractive woman, or an unattractive man, follow him on Twitter. Please. He feels neglected.
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