How to size up an opponent based only on the name he called you

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You didn’t ask for it but it’s on.

It’s on. There’s going to be a fight.

Here are the two likely outcomes — You could unleash some right hooks and jabs and level the guy or you could get your ass handed to you. It’s pretty difficult to size up an opponent in such a short amount of time..unless…you paid attention to the first words out of our opponent’s mouth.

You can tell a lot about a person, and his willingness to fight, based just on the name he choses to address at the start of the altercation. Here are the possible names, slang and nom de plume he could utter and what those terms of endearment say about the dude as a pugilist and how you should treat the situation.

First reaction: He’s a man. You’re a man. He’d rather talk this whole misunderstanding out.

Best defense: Just talk it out. Fighting is never worth the trouble. But it might be a trick. Just be ready.

First reaction: He’s going to act like he wants no part of a fight then sucker punch you mid-sentence.

Best defense: Call him dude, tell him to calm down, and then punch him when he’s half-turned around to find all eight hundred fraternity bros he’s at the bar with.


First reaction: He’s crazy. Crazy like “bad acid trip, seen things, tasted blood, carries pen knives and letters addressed to the president and the candy Twizzlers and both say the same thing” type crazy.

Best defense: Get him focused on someone or something else and slip into a crowd. Never return to that place again because he WILL be there.

First reaction: The guy can either a) fight and wants to provoke a fight in the hopes of beating the shit out of a random stranger or b) he can’t fight and wants to provoke a fight and get knocked out so he can sue and never work another day in his life.

Best defense: Stand your ground. Don’t punch first. Watch out for bottles in his hand, random friends circling around or cell phones recording the whole incident for use as court exhibit or a hilarious YouTube clip.

First reaction: He’s gonna beat your ass.

Best defense:  Run or drop to the fetal position immediately because he’s going to beat your ass.

First reaction: Maybe that wasn’t the best opening line after all.

Best defense: Slowly back away. No good story starts with “I was fighting this woman and…”

Chris Illuminati avatar
Chris Illuminati is a 5-time published author and recovering a**hole who writes about running, parenting, and professional wrestling.