Blazed Movie Reviews: ‘After Earth’

Columbia Pictures

I don’t know why I even bother getting mad at M. Night Shyamalan anymore. At this point, the only way to watch a movie by the Sixth Sense guy is to get completely ripped beforehand so your brain turns off enough to enjoy it. I realize that being hard on him for “twists” is totally played out, but his movies still suck. They’re boring and incompetent and expensive and this one stars Will Smith and his kid which doesn’t do anybody any favors.

Yo no diss to Jaden (except for the fact that the name “Jaden” is a stupid-ass name, that’s a stupid-ass name) but the only reason kid is in all these movies is that his dad is Will Smith. It’s not like he’s this acting prodigy who wows audiences with his dedication to the role. His dad is famous and so he gets to play big Hollywood movie star like the rest of us played Go-Bots. Which, you know, whatever. If I was a Scientologist with lots of clout I’d probably do the same for my kids. Can’t hate.

So, again: Earth gets bucked up by something and humanity leaves. A thousand years later a dude comes back with the STUPIDEST NAME and that’s Will Smith’s character. Check this out: his name is Cypher Raige. Dude, so I guess all humanity reads in the next thousand years is fan fiction? That’s the kind of name a goth tween gives their World Of Warcraft character. Cypher (stupid name) and his son Kitai go on a mission to Earth but their ship crashes and they have to go to a homing beacon AND BOND AS A FAMILY.

Just so stupid. Just such a stupid, dumb, stupid movie. There’s so much about this movie that was hilarious when you’re high but I can’t imagine trying to take seriously, like the accent people speak in – apparently in the future everybody talks with these weird affected mid-Atlantic future voices and it’s just SO WEIRD. The whole movie is just the two of them either running from or fighting computer animals, but even though things are supposed to be serious and urgent there’s no actual drama or tension at all.

And there’s also no Shyamalan Twist, which is normally a good thing but I would have been happy if there was one in this movie just to give me something to talk about besides how bad it is.

Don’t see this movie. It’s super dumb. There’s no reason for it to exist besides Will Smith giving his kid an expensive birthday present.

Disclaimer: I fixed all the spelling and grammar errors but left everything else in.