There are some times that I’m very thankful that I can get high before I review movies. This is one of them. I’m a man. I got hair on my balls and that means I don’t know or care about One Direction. But this was a really crappy week for movies, and my theater didn’t want to take the risk on that new Ethan Hawke movie, so now I’m sitting in the middle of a bunch of tweenage girls reeking of dank watching One Direction on the big screen. How did it come to this?
So Morgan Spurlock made this movie and you know he made it because some studio opened up their “Documentary Guys Who Haven’t Got Sued” rolodex and he was the only name in it. Hopefully he made just an ass-ton of cash off this that he can use to fund movies about actual interesting subjects.
This movie is boring. Spurlock follows One Direction for three months, they go to Mexico and Japan and Norway and all these cool-ass places but nothing really happens. They’re all so bleached-white (even the Muslim one) that they don’t get into any trouble or say anything interesting. At least N*Sync had a fat one. Even after watching this movie I couldn’t tell the guys in One Direction apart, and they don’t seem to have any differences in singing voice or talent.
You know what this movie reminded me of? A PowerPoint presentation designed to sell a new product. It’s like the kind of thing they put on loop at Best Buy to show off TVs. There’s no emotion or feeling in any of it, it’s just a wheezing vacuum that sucks in the budding sexuality of teenage girls and makes them imagine gay relationships on Tumblr.
The movie is perfectly competently put together, and if you’re high the concert scenes are brightly-colored and move quickly, leading to some B-grade visuals (plug your ears, though). Aside from that, there’s not much to recommend it. Maybe on harder drugs?
I don’t even know why I’m reviewing this movie. No real man who reads this site is going to see One Direction: This Is Us, and if your girlfriend drags you to see it you should probably check her purse for a middle school report card.
In positive news, Obama told me I could smoke up legally so now I ain’t scared of anything.
Disclaimer: I fixed all the typos and grammar errors but left everything else in.