If you’re a living, breathing person right now, there is roughly a 278% chance that you use at least one social media site, and probably more than one. But not every social media site is the same, and each one says something a little bit different about its users. And so, both for your enjoyment and your continued education and personal development, we explain to you just what exactly your choice of social media says about you.
What You Think It Says About You: That you’re sensitive, maybe even a little poetic, with a deep appreciation for the arts. You think a good picture can express a thousand words, and if those words all happen to be about your favorite TV couple, then so be it.
What It Actually Says: You got banned from Hot Topic after staging a sit in after the store manager failed to appropriately communicate a “trigger warning” while putting out vampire themed tee-shirts that remind you of your ex-boyfriend, who started his own bite club in high school. Your pictures do indeed say 1,000 words, but most of those words are the barely articulated squealing of obsessed fangirls and fanboys, interspersed with the occasional cat meme.
What You Think It Says About You: That you’re a serious professional who understands the power of networking. You don’t have time for nonsense like cat pictures or arguing about the outrage of the day. Time is money, and you know how to spend it wisely.
What It Actually Says: You’ve got a job, but are not only willing to listen to other offers, but can’t wait to leave, and oh shit, your boss just walked by, do you think he saw? Also, it’s nice to keep up with your old roommate Sheila, but only as long as your resume looks better. Either that, or you created an account six years ago, and are just now remembering that it exists.
What You Think It Says About You: That you’re both loyal and a nonconformist who doesn’t need to rush to be part of the next big thing. You’re cool enough to make MySpace cool again.
What It Actually Says: You’re comfortable that your only friends left on the site are Tom and those mysterious accounts with a tumbleweed avatar. You’re too lazy to create an account anywhere else, and/or are so behind the times that even your grandma talks shit about you behind your back. You are super proud of your new flip phone.
What You Think It Says About You: That you’re artistic, a little quirky, and have a genuine passion for your artisanal hobbies. You love your kids to death, you’re super friendly and just want to share your cool world with all your friends, and maybe one day you can even open your own little side business together!
What It Actually Says: You’re wearing mom jeans right now, and that cute little gingerbread man baking in the oven will come out looking more like Shrek if his face was melted by acid. You’re really, really hoping the damn kid will just sleep for another 15 minutes and Sheila can make her own damn mini-soaps because this wine isn’t going to drink itself.
What You Think It Says About You: That you’re a ride or die type that isn’t about to abandon a service just because it isn’t popular anymore. You have the best taste in music. All your friends say so and now everyone can see it for themselves.
What It Actually Says: You’ve somehow been magically transported back to 2006, and your friends are really worried about you, because apparently you’ve been listening to the same Fall Out Boy song 26 times a day. You’re really excited for that new show Gossip Girl, and you just hope Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie can work it out.
What You Think It Says About You: That you’re too cool for Facebook, and… be honest, you forgot you even opened an account, didn’t you?
What It Actually Says: Nothing, because nobody even knows that you’re using it.
What You Think It Says About You: That you have the eye of a true photographer poet, and that your life is so interesting that even perfect strangers will want to see what you had for dinner, or marvel at the splendor of your nephew’s birthday cake.
What It Actually Says: You may be illiterate, and your cat probably runs and hides every time he sees you pointing your phone in his direction. Also, you can’t wait until that bitch Sheila sees this picture of you in your bikini that you took during your vacation to Hawaii. She’s gonna be so jealous.
What You Think It Says About You: You’re too literate for those mouth-breathers on Facebook, and that you are changing the world one tweet at a time. Traditional media is dead, because you’re breaking news in real time, and when you’re not doing that, you’re reveling in the admiration of your thousands of followers, who all hang on your every word and think that you’re a comedic genius.
What It Actually Says: You like to argue. About everything. And you’re outraged by even more than that. In fact, you’re probably outraged by this. 99% of your tweets are completely ignored, most of your followers secretly think you’re an annoying dick and only follow you because you follow them back, creating an echo-chamber of barely acknowledged inanity and self-righteous rage. Also, your vaunted “literacy” has been reduced by the format to a sort of pidgin English that appears unintelligible to everyone else, and traditional media has to spend most of its time cleaning up your messes after you fucked up yet another story. But hey, at least you got retweeted by Ashton Kutcher that one time.
What You Think It Says About You: You are with it, man. You know what’s going on, and you’ve got your finger on the pulse of pop culture. Your profile isn’t so much a biography as a statement, and that statement is that you’re young, and you’re cool because you’ve got a Facebook page.
What It Actually Says: You’re 53 years-old and all your daughter’s friends think you’re creepy because you keep commenting on their updates. That same daughter showed you how to sign up for Facebook, and now you spend all your time playing Farmville and posting lyrics to patriotic country songs. The rest of the Internet frightens and confuses you, and your wife’s friend, Sheila, doesn’t know how to tell her that you’ve been Facebook stalking her. Status: tragic.