Sometimes chain restaurants hate their customers so much that they literally want to end their lives by the only legal means available: serving us their delicious, fattening foods. But they don’t want to kill us outright, oh no; they want to kill us slowly by making foods that are so diabolically filled with fat and sodium that they could give a rabidly carnivorous 50 foot T-Rex an extinction-worthy heart attack (side note: why is it so funny to imagine a cartoon T-Rex in physical pain?).
On the other hand, these are the perfect meals for those who don’t have extra food money laying around and need the most calorie- and fat-rich foods available to them. So in that way, these chains are doing the American public a service. Gotta look at the bright side of things, right?
Before we get into these explosively unhealthy dishes, let’s just put things into perspective: the average moderately active adult male needs somewhere around 2,500 calories, 80 grams of fat and 2,300 mg of sodium each day. Got it? Good. Let’s do this.
8 Country Fried Steak & Eggs
What it is: Fried beef steak smothered in sausage gravy with two eggs, hash browns and buttermilk pancakes
Nutritional information: 1,760 calories, 23 g saturated fat, 3,720 mg sodium and 11 teaspoons of sugar
I feel like sausage gravy, which is made with a roux of flour and butter is one of the culprits here. But really, so is everything else.
Photo credit: IHOP
7 Bistro Shrimp Pasta
From: The Cheesecake Factory
What it is: Battered and fried shrimp, mushrooms, tomato and arugula with pasta in a basil garlic and lemon cream sauce
Nutritional information: 3,120 calories, 89 g of saturated fat and 1,090 mg of sodium
You’re almost better off eating a slice of cheesecake for your entrée along with your slice of cheesecake for your dessert.
Photo credit: The Cheesecake Factory
6 Appetizer Sampler
What it is: Mozzarella sticks, spinach & artichoke dip, cheese quesadilla with bacon and boneless hot wings
Nutritional information: 2,510 calories, 168 g fat (49 g saturated, 2.5 g trans), 6,660 mg sodium
I know this is meant for sharing, but what Applebee’s lover hasn’t ordered this as an entrée instead?
Photo credit: Applebee’s
5 Heartland Scramble
What it is: Two eggs, bacon, peppers and onions, fried potatoes and cheddar cheese
Nutritional information: 1,150 calorie, 66g fat, 20g saturated fat, 530mg cholesterol, 2,800 sodium
There’s got to be a decent joke somewhere in here about scrambling your own heartland and ending up in the hospital after eating this…and yep, there it is.
Photo credit: cortneymartin82, Flickr
4 Bloomin Onion
From: Outback Steakhouse
What it is: A deep-fried onion with dipping sauce
Nutritional information: 1,959 calories, 161 g fat, 4,102 mg sodium
Fuck you Outback Steakhouse. I don’t care how delicious your Bloomin’ Onion is, why do you pretend that this is what they eat in the Outback? Why are you making people think that any part of this is somehow Australian? Put some kangaroo on your menu and then we’ll talk.
Photo credit: justj0000lie, Flickr
3 Southern Smokehouse Burger With Ancho Chile BBQ Sauce
What it is: A burger with maple bacon, smoked cheddar, mayo, crispy onion strings and ancho-chile BBQ sauce
Nutritional information: 2,290 calories, 139 grams of fat
Sing it with me: Chiliiiiiiiiiiiiii’s Di-a-bee-tees.
Photo credit: Chili’s Hawaii
2 Admiral’s Feast
From: Red Lobster
What it is: Fried shrimp, scallops, clam strips and flounder with a side and dipping sauces
Nutritional information: 1,280 calories, 73 g of fat
My mouth is watering, should I feel guilty? The Admiral doesn’t think so.
Photo credit: Bitman, Flickr
1 Crispy Honey Shrimp
From: PF Chang’s
What it is: Battered and fried shrimp with a honey sauce and green onions
Nutritional information: 2,110 calories, 70 g fat (10 g saturated), 1,815 mg sodium, 290 g carbs
I don’t know who PF Chang is or how he ranks in relation to General Tso, but he is one serious jerk, making healthy shrimp into a deadly weapon like that.
Photo credit: P.F. Chang’s