Between the pope, Rick Santorum and homophobic preachers who are secretly gay, everyone seems to be talking gay marriage these days. As a straight guy, you probably don’t care. But you should. Legalizing gay marriage would be good for you.
Photo credit: Gay marriage image by Shutterstock
Homosexual men who are legally prohibited from marrying each other have no outlet for their wedding lust. That’s why they are constantly drinking margaritas with your girlfriend and asking her over and over when she’s going to get married. If they were allowed to marry, these same homosexual men would not have time to meddle in your love life. They would not have time for anything except planning and attending gay weddings.
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Weddings are good places to hook up and gay weddings mean more weddings. And if the guest list is split evenly between men and women, and many of the men are gay, a gay wedding takes your already-good odds and improves them. The women at these events will think you have a modern sensibility because you support gay weddings, giving you an undeserved layer of credibility you can use to your advantage.
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A lesbian wedding ceremony concludes with two women kissing. The reception has lots of female-on-female kissing. No straight man can oppose this.
Photo credit: Lesbian marriage image by Shutterstock
There is nothing married people love more than fixing up their single friends on dates. There is also nothing gay men love more. Legalized nationwide gay marriage would end Match.com in our time.
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When I told my cousin I was engaged he raised his beer and said, “Good - why should you be any happier than the rest of us?” If gay men and women want to enter into a fading social institution with a 50 percent success rate, they can have at it. As a nation, all of us - straight and gay - will finally have something in common other than Glee. We will all share in the misery of marriage. (Not my marriage. My wife is great. Love you, honey.)
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Think long-term on this one. Gay marriages will lead to an increase in gay parents. That means more children of gay men and women in the local school system. Call me a stereotypical jerk, but I’ll bet that the kids of homosexual parents will be better artists than their peers. You, sir, will have to attend school plays and music recitals someday. Do you want to sit through three hours of mind-numbing shit like your dad did? Or would you rather be entertained by an adorable troupe of mini Neil Patrick Harrises?
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I am not anti-gay in any way, but I am anti-waiting-for-the-elliptical. My gym is filled with gay men and women, as are gyms in many cities. A married man, typically, is a man who no longer cares about the shape of his body. If that man is married to another married man who also no longer cares about his body, I imagine their mutual laziness will create a cycle of sloth that leads to a national decrease in gym attendance, which would be great for straight guys like me who are always waiting to use the elliptical.
Do the right thing. Support gay marriage. It could get you laid.
Photo credit: Aberdeen Proving Ground, Flickr
(Originally published on January 18, 2012.)