Today we’re going to talk about something very important: what NOT to bring to the bar. If you want to have a successful evening then let’s be clear on this. Crystal. Clear.
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8 A Raging Boner
If you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you shouldn’t troll the bar for hot strange when you’re horny. It’s just basic logic science psychology something.
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7 Your Douchebag Friend
You know, the one who will get drunk and dance like Prince from Purple Rain across the room. Same goes for the one who will swoop in and take the girl you’re talking to without a second thought. Oh, and the one who will get too drunk and throw up inside his own pants while he’s on the toilet. Leave them all home.
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6 Lots of $$$
You know why I’d suggest not bringing too much money? Because your dumb, drunk ass will spend it. Sure, keep an emergency debit card around, but if you’re the type to buy a whole group of people shots just because you’re feeling good at that particular moment, you may want to plan ahead for that by leaving the credit card at home.
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5 A Flask
You don’t bring this into a bar because no matter how smooth you think you are, you’re going to lose that air of suaveness as the evening goes on. That’s when you get caught, and getting kicked out of a bar isn’t fun. The alternative? Leave the flask in your glove compartment and take a “smoke break” mid-way through the night.
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4 Pick Up Lines
No matter which one you use, it’s corny. If girls are laughing when you say it, they’re laughing at you and your failed attempt harder than they’re laughing at the line… always. Instead, say “Hi” or make an observation about the scene that isn’t already obvious to her.
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3 Your Sob Story
There’s a time and place to talk about your sad feelings and for men, that’s never and nowhere. In all seriousness though, don’t kill the mood. Find sober moments, in private, to chat about what’s going on in your life with someone who cares.
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2 An Empty Stomach
You don’t want to go on an empty stomach lest you find yourself drunker than you expected and making out with a girl so wugly (wasted and ugly) that she looks like she’ll need an old priest and a young priest to conduct the exorcism. But, if the 2-for-1 special of drinking with no food in your system is really your thing, then at least take a break between drinks.
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1 A Full Stomach
Alcohol is basically poison and it does strange things to your body, especially with a full gut. There are a couple of different directions things could come out (quite literally) and that should be reason enough to take it easy on the second helping of bacon-infused, cheesy casserole you were planning on downing earlier.
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(Previously published on January 4, 2012.)