9 of the weirdest jobs in the world

Times are tough, and people will do just about anything to make a buck these days. But while some people are stealing copper wire or making meth in their trailer, others are doing things even stranger that just so happen to be completely legal. These are the jobs that exist sort of on the periphery of society, done by mad men, lost souls and those willing to have people recoil in revulsion when they tell them what they do. But hey, everybody’s gotta get paid, and sometimes that means doing one of these, nine of the weirdest jobs in the world.

9. Poop Collector

I’m not talking about a dude who goes around collecting poop samples to seal in shrink wrap to display at Comic Con or something. That would be too weird. No, I’m talking about those dudes and lady dudes who have to go around collecting poop for fertilizer. That’s a little more mundane, but still, can you imagine doing that for eight hours a day, every day? Just roaming the countryside, following cows and horses, waiting for them to shit, hoping they had a big lunch because you need to hit your quota for the month. I wonder if any of them ever get desperate and collect their own poop, and… you’re right, this is heading in an uncomfortable direction, but hey, it’s an uncomfortable job.

8. Brainer

This is the person whose responsibility is scooping out the brains of dead animals for lab experiments, which I imagine is not all that different from scooping ice cream as a summer job in high school, only there aren’t any customers to flirt with and nobody is going to be happy that you brought home free samples. On the plus side, you can probably technically call yourself a scientist, which means that you’re just as good as Einstein, or at least Eddie Murphy in a fat-suit.

7. Fart Sniffer

Who knew that all that time spent as an awkward 7th grader, ripping ass with your friends, and laughing about who had the smelliest farts, was really just career training? Well, it was for these poor fools, whose job is to follow farm animals around and smell their farts to make sure the animals are getting a proper diet and aren’t eating garbage or Cheetos or whatever all day long. Think of that the next time you eat a steak. Someone spent their time sniffing that cow’s ass just so you could dine in tasty splendor.

6. Odor Tester

Look, someone has to make sure that deodorant works, and if that means spending day after day buried in the armpits of complete strangers, sniffing away, then so be it. I just feel bad for those damaged souls who have to smell-test jock-itch creams and the like. You know there’s some poor lady out there who has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from having to smell-test Vagisil.

5. Hair Boiler

A hair-boiler is someone whose job consists of boiling hair, which curls it so that it can be used in a variety of products. Yeah. This is some straight up serial killer business right here. You can just imagine some grim-faced freak standing over a cauldron, slowly stirring a bunch of boiling hair, and getting an erection. I bet this was Jeffrey Dahmer’s summer job in high school.

4. Crime Scene Cleaner

This is the sort of thing that you never, ever think about, but once someone brings it up, it makes perfect sense. Those gruesome crime scenes, with blood and brains and poop sprayed everywhere, have to be cleaned up by someone, right? They don’t just leave them there like some sort of fucked up memorial. I just feel bad for the people who have to do this. I mean, it can’t be good for someone’s mental health to spend day after day scrubbing a crackhead’s brains out of the carpet. Then again, I guess that isn’t all that different from being a maid at a cheap motel.

3. The Queen’s Hand Washer

This one is oddly specific, in that only one person in the world has this job, but come on, this is weird as hell, right? This apparently came about several hundred years ago when some random dude scared off some jerks who were about to do a drive-by on Scotland’s King James V. The grateful King then gave the dude a title and the ceremonial duty of washing the King’s hands whenever they got grimy. Gee, thanks. This duty was then passed on hereditarily through the years, and today that dude’s descendent is still required to keep a wash basin at the ready in case the queen needs his services. Sure, everybody wants some of that royal glamour, but it’s probably not so glamorous when you’re scrubbing the Queen’s cuticles just after she gave Prince Philip a handie.

2. Animal Masturbator

Speaking of handies, imagine having to do this day after day. Sure, people weep for the animal inseminator at the zoo AKA the dude who has to artificially impregnate animals who can’t get pregnant by getting down on their own, but no one ever talks about this poor bastard. I mean, if someone’s getting that baby batter into the animals, then it means that someone is also jerking it out. It’s not like they have apes jerking off into cups at the doctor’s office for a few bucks. I guess it’s a dream job for someone who’s really into bestiality, but then again, jerking off a grizzly bear is probably more dangerous than being sent to Afghanistan. Just make sure you work the balls and you should be fine.

1. Peep Show Janitor

This is the infamous jizz-mopper that everybody jokes about, but no one wants to admit really exists. But they have to, right? I’m guessing in real life that they probably just get some dude in a Hazmat suit to come in and spray some chemicals in there to kill all the shame ghosts born of the unholy union of lonely dude sperm and whatever unholy spirits live in those booths, but still, that can’t be a pretty sight. Besides, that’s probably expensive and so in most low-rent peep-show booths (are there any other kind?) they probably just have some poor jerk in there with a mop and a bucket and a dead heart, ready to drown himself in whiskey and hand-sanitizer when his shift is done.

Strange man image by Shutterstock
Fart sniffer image by Shutterstock
Bloody knife image by Shutterstock
Scrubwoman image by Shutterstock
(Previously published on November 7, 2013.)