I am a food-lover, which means that I get excited about everything from a plain-old chicken breast to an awesomely bizarre foie-gras doughnut. But some foods are ridiculous and I err on the side of blind rage when I think about them. Get ready to rant with me, because here’s a selection of some of the worst foods on the planet.
I’ve watched in wide-eyed horror as my father has taken on a huge plate of Peruvian tripe and I’ve recoiled in mild horror at the off-putting taste and texture of a Mexican pork stomach taco. Tripe looks like an organ covered with a lunch lady’s hairnet – and not only that, but tripe is what was used to create the innards of the face-hugger eggs in the Alien movies. For real. Let us never speak of tripe again. (Yes, that is tripe in the photo above. Yeesh.)
6. Lava Cake
You know what? Lava cake is good. In fact, I’ve had some really amazing chocolate lava cake. But, when restaurants call it ‘soufflé’ and then make you a lava cake, that is where I draw the line. The original name for chocolate lava cake was “fallen soufflé.” Do you know why? Because when a chef screws up a soufflé it falls. That’s right, a chocolate lava cake is what happens when your chef was not good enough or didn’t care enough to make you a soufflé. You can’t fully appreciate this realization until you’ve tasted the delicate dessert cloud that is real soufflé, but take my word for it anyway.
I love Mexican food. LOVE IT. And I’m not just talking about Americanized nacho platters or California fish tacos or Tex-Mex fajitas – I’ll be the first to grab a taco de lengua at a dirty street cart if I can find it. But tamales are terrible. The steaming process that takes place in the banana leaf, the inclusion of very little meat and the fatty but somehow extremely bland corn masa make for a really disappointing and not even textural-ly interesting food that I will be happy to pass on for the rest of my life.
4. Black Licorice
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – black licorice tastes like zombie chocolate. Wait, no, it tastes like “The Great Depression.” If I found a black licorice jelly bean in one of those boxes of Harry Potter Jelly Belly’s and was forced to choose between that and earwax, I would eat the earwax.
3. Too Hot Sauces
First off, I’m not a sauce n00b. I have a collection that has been procured from the far corners of the Earth, everywhere from Africa to Mexico, from mail-order to a small stand at a festival. But hot sauces that are created just for the sake of blowing out your digestive tract are an insult to the ones that effectively blend heat and flavor to create that irresistible hurt.
2. Packaged American Cheese
The problem here is that American cheese is actually really tasty. It’s not great for a cheese plate, but it’s awesome on a backyard burger, in grilled cheese or with a good casserole. But when you process and package it, the magic is lost. Okay, maybe that’s too nice a way of saying it. If you like the taste of orange vomit plastic, you’ll love single-serve packages of American cheese. That’s better.
1. Grilled Chicken Wings
I love buffalo wings way too much for this nonsense. If I wanted a gelatinous mouthful of fat I would something something insert “your mom” joke here. Fry those bad boys up to crisp the fat properly, or face the consequences.