There are simply too many ‘WTF’ stories to come out of Florida every week for me to report on in real-time. So to give you the best-of-the-best, here’s the 10 most WTF news stories from the Sunshine State in the past week.
Florida Woman is drunk, has no idea where she is or what sport she’s watching
One of the greatest screencaps from the past week’s World Cup is this woman who clearly has no idea what she’s wearing or where she is. Look at that expression! She’s just along for the ride. As a Rays fan myself I can’t hate on her at all for rocking a jersey to the World Cup, but wtf is up with that Texas Rangers hat?!?!
Florida Man sees 400lb black bear drowning, rescues it with his bare hands
What did Adam Warwick of the Florida Wildlife Commission do when he saw a bear in distress swimming out to sea? He swam out there, wrapped that bear up in his bare arms, and saved his ass. That’s what he did.
When Florida wildlife officers needed to relocate a native black bear after it had invaded a residential neighborhood they started by shooting it with a tranquilizer dart…but things didn’t go smoothly from there. The bear freaked out, ran, began to swam out in to the Gulf of Mexico as the sedative kicked in. And as the bear began to lose control to the strong sedative, Florida Man kicked it in to high gear and saved his ass. Check out the full story (with tons of photos) here on SunnySkyz.
Florida Woman writes greatest missed connection ever
— Florida Man (@_FloridaMan) June 26, 2014
This one came to us courtesy of the ‘FloridaMan‘ twitter account and by golly I’ll be damned if it isn’t the most romantic missed connection I’ve read in a coon’s age.
18yr old murders his nudist grandmother, drives around with her body for 5hrs
In what’s definitely the most disturbing WTFlorida story of the week, 18-year-old Brandon Machetto of Lutz, FL has been charged with murdering his 74yr old grandmother…whom he’d been living with…at her nudist colony…. then driving around town in a minivan for 5 hours with her body in the car…
What in the actual f*ck is wrong with people?! More details here (if you’re interested) at FloridaToday.
12-year-old steals school bus, takes it for joy ride
An intrepid twelve year old from Panama City Beach drummed up the excellent idea to steal a school bus at 5am and take it for a spin around town. His leisurely cruise through the Redneck Riviera was foiled when a Wal-Mart employee notice something awry and notified deputies.
More details can be read over at the NewsHerald.
Woman pulls Harry Houdini, slips handcuffs, swallows weed (on camera), after wrecking car twice & getting charged with DUI
You almost have to applaud this woman’s dedication to getting off without charges. First she wrecks her car, while drunk, and tries to get away. Then she wrecks it again…DUI impending. And after all that, she tries to swallow a bag of the sticky-icky-icky… all while caught on camera in the cruiser. More details here.
Man arrested for entering pharmacy with paper bag on head, to express his goddman rights!
Clayton Schwey, 38, who lists the CIA, FBI, and DEA amongst his employers, entered a pharmacy in Vero Beach wearing a paper bag on his head. Something that to any level-headed person would signal an impending robbery.
Employees of the CVS were unsuccessful in trying to get him to leave, the police were called, and naturally he responded with “this is a free country.” More details over here on TCPalm.
Port Richey mom locks infants in car while she shops for kinky things in sex shop
What would you do with your 1 and 3 year old if you needed to head on out to the sex shop and pick up some kinky gear & smut? Lock them in the car? Suuuure, why not. That’s what Ke’ala O Kea Kua Morgan, 22, did when she wanted to pop on down to Todd Adult Superstore in Port Richey.
Because nothing ever goes wrong when parents lock their children in cars. And Florida isn’t hot at all. And there’s DEFINITELY not any seedy people hanging in and around sex shops. Such an impressive display of judgement I don’t even know where to begin.
More details here on TampaBay.
Woman hit by train while trying to take pictures of train
Pro-tip: If you’re going to try and take pictures of trains, you might want to keep your eyes peeled and not get hit by a f*cking train.
Actually, there’s nothing pro about that tip whatsoever. That’s just innate preservation of the human body & will to love // will to not get killed. However, that didn’t stop a woman in St. Johns County from getting hit by a train and sustaining multiple lacerations.
Fortunately for her she survived, and will not be nominated for a Darwin Award. More details here over on ActionNewsJax.
Prisoners smuggle guns into correctional facility, shoot each other in attempt to sue Corrections Department
In what might be the single greatest plot by inmates ever uncovered, two inmates smuggled in a .25 caliber Beretta semi-automatic pistol, shot each other with the intentions of suing the prison system.
Thus far seven people have been charged in the conspiracy, and of course 2 were shot.
Full details of the asinine plot can be read here on MyFoxOrlando.