Calm Down, Bro: 10 Things You Never Call A Woman, No Matter How Mad You Are

Any “adult” will tell you that it’s best to avoid hitting below the belt during an argument (both figuratively and literally). Basically that means that you shouldn’t say anything out of anger that you can’t take back. Unfortunately, in the eyes of a female, anything you say out of anger cannot be taken back. We remember it all. Seriously, we’re like elephants (but don’t call any of us an elephant. You’ll regret it).

Example: “Remember that time you called me a fat slut in 2007? You were wearing a brown shirt and jeans and “Big Girls Don’t Cry” by Fergie was on the radio which was ironic because I did fucking cry…”

With that being said, it’s inevitable that you’re going to argue with a member of the opposite sex. After all, we can be pretty combative. In fact I’d venture to guess that most of the time it’s the woman instigating the argument anyway (don’t even try and deny it ladies—own that shit, already).

Since I can’t tell you how to avoid arguments (I’m not The Dalai Lama—just some chick who blogs) I’m going to give you some pointers on things you absolutely shouldn’t call a woman during a fight without the prospect of it turning into something reminiscent of Hurricane Katrina.

1. The C-word: Okay so, the British use this word about as frequently as, “hello,” but here in The Good Ol’ U.S. of A it doesn’t go over well with the ladies. In fact, most of us call it the “C word” or spell it out as “See You Next Tuesday.” Calling a woman a C maliciously is essentially giving her an open invitation to annihilate you. She will most likely gasp and say something along the lines of, “how dare you fucking call me that,” as her head spins completely around and her eyes roll into the back of her head (she may start speaking in tongues too).

2. Fat:

Even if she’s actually fat, just don’t do it, man. You don’t want to be responsible for breaking some girl’s self-esteem down to the point that she stops eating for 4 weeks. Seriously, it’s not worth the headache (that you’ll have from her screaming at you, and that she’ll have from malnutrition.)

3. Annoying: I have to admit–I’d rather be called a C than be called annoying. It’s just one of those words that makes my blood boil. It has such a negative connotation to it—like you’re some fly buzzing in someone’s ear that deserves to be swatted away. Try using: irritating, bothersome, maddening, or tiresome—these just sound better, and she’ll most likely be too distracted by your fancy vocabulary to argue back (well, for roughly 5-seconds, anyway).

4. Dumb:

If the girl you’re arguing with happens to be dumb, then well, she’s most likely used to hearing it and will just start crying or giving her usual, “I am so not dumb,” spiel. However, if you’re dealing with a brain then this is not a good insult route to take. It’s like calling someone who is dirt poor, spoiled. They will get wildly defensive and verbally assault you.

5. Ugly: Here’s the thing about ugly—you can’t really fix it. You can fix fat. You can (in theory) fix stupid, but ugly is ugly, and should be used very wisely. Once again, you really don’t want to be responsible for some poor innocent girl draining her life’s savings on plastic surgery and ending up on the show Botched in 30-years-years looking like Bruce (Belinda) Jenner.

6. Crazy:

Just don’t do it. Calling a girl crazy will in turn, make her act crazy. The human brain is funny that way, isn’t it?

7. Needy/Clingy: If you call her these things she’s subconsciously going to rebel to prove you wrong and most likely ignore you. Example: “Why haven’t you spoken to me in 2 days?” “Oh well, I didn’t want to be ‘clingy,’ remember?

8. Basic: If you’re over the age of 16 and use this as an insult—you deserve to have a piping hot Pumpkin Spice latte poured on your balls.

9. Desperate (or as the youth culture says, “thirsty”):

No matter what society may spew out of their assholes, women really don’t like to rely on others (i.e. you guys), therefore when we’re told that were desperate it’s a direct knock at our independence and we take that shit seriously. Haven’t you listened to a Beyoncé album? Being desperate is the realization that you may very well “need” something in your life. Who wants to acknowledge that? Nobody with a vagina, that’s who.

10. Prude/Bad in bed/Stiff: Once you insult a girl’s performance in the bedroom it will forever taint her experiences thereafter. While you’re pretending she’s Jessica Alba to get off, she’ll be going through the motions thinking, “Am I doing this right?” Chances are she isn’t bad in bad at all; she’s just the product of some guy (maybe you) who told her she was out of anger—which in essence brings us back to the final point of this article:

There may be a lot of girls reading this and scoffing, saying, “I don’t care what no man has to say about me.” Well, I call bullshit. Insults of this variety do hurt, whether we’d like to admit it or not. When you’re fighting with a chick, do your best to be constructive (sorry, I majored in Psychology.) Don’t say something that’s going to fuck her up too badly, maybe just stick to the classics like—bitch, asshole, dick, piece of shit—you get the gist. Or pull my favorite move and just leave the room—why argue when you can just run away from it?

[Header image via Shutterstock]