March is the drunkest month of the year, and I’ll get in a drunken brawl with anyone who claims a different month. The weather is starting to warm up and the sun’s beckoning you to enjoy some cool brews. You’ve got spring break, which is just an entire week devoted to partying. Months only have about four weeks in them. No other month allows you to take an entire week off just to party. Then you throw in St. Patrick’s Day, and you’ve basically got an entire month devoted to slamming brews. With that being said, St. Patrick’s Day is upon us. So grab some green beers and prepare yourself to see these types of people out and about.
1. Hungover Harry/Hannah
This is the person who decided it would be a good idea to go out the night before, and is now suffering the consequences. They’ll be choking down that first drink for an hour trying to muster up their strength to get back in the drinking spirit. This either goes two ways: A) They are miserable for the rest of the day, and head home early. B) They get a bit of the hair of the dog (or should I say the top hat of the leprechaun) in them and make a miraculous recovery usually somewhere in the mid-afternoon time frame.
2. The cheerful old guy
This is the older gentleman at the bar who can’t stop grinning from ear to ear. He is probably the most Irish person there, and genuinely loves the spirit of St. Patrick’s Day. He will be chuckling with his friends the entire time, and will be enjoying the shit out of anything and everything that is St. Patrick’s Day. We should all aspire to one day be him.
3. The public weeper
One of the first rules you learn about existing comfortably in public is the fact that crying noticeably in public is not a societal norm. It makes people uncomfortable, and makes you look like an insane person. That’s why it was actually beneficial for someone to call you a cry-baby as a kid. It helped you prepare for the world. However, this person slipped through the cracks, and is now openly weeping at a bar. Of course there are rare circumstances where crying in public is acceptable, but surrounded by jovial drunk people dressed in green while delightful Irish music blares in the background is not one of them.
4. The Sleeping Dwarf
This person forgot the one rule of St. Patrick’s Day: pacing. They decided that 11 Irish car bombs before 10 a.m. was a good idea and now they’ve slipped into a resting fist to cheek coma. If you’re lucky, they’ll take a nap and recover for the later part of the evening, but don’t get your hopes up.
5 The flamboyant dresser
This person (usually a girl) is dressed head to toe in green, and has crazy accessories to go along with it. Some may look at them with disdain, but we need these people. They make sure that St. Patrick’s Day is not just an ordinary night out. They make it an experience.
6. The person who’s constantly explaining the fact that they’re 1/4 Irish
This person tries so hard to be politically correct, that they end up coming off as sounding apologetic just for drinking on St. Patrick’s Day. This is partially due to the fact that everyone is now offended by everything, even though deep down I think most people don’t really care. So to those of you who get offended when people who aren’t Irish are getting drunk on St. Patrick’s Day, that’s essentially telling a certain group of people that they can’t have the same privileges as you, because they’re different. Last time I checked, that was called racism.
7 . The one who’s purposefully not wearing green
A close cousin to the “I’m not wearing an ugly sweater to that ugly sweater party,” this is someone you see who has clearly chosen not to wear any green just to make a statement. The statement they’re trying to make is “I’m cool, because I care so little.” The statement they’re actually making is, “I’m a pompous dick.”
8. The drunk chick
She is very loud, aggressive, and excited as shit to get drunk. You may hate her from time to time, but the drunk chick is necessary for a good party. She brings the energy up. Besides, you need someone to call you a pussy for not taking a shot every now and then to keep you honest.
9. The one who’s got to get up early the next morning
They’ll start out the day/night saying how they really can’t stay out for too long. They’ll start by compromising saying, “I’ll just have a couple green beers and call it a night.” Then they’ll teeter on to signing up for just one shot. I mean it is St. Patrick’s Day. Then like an alcoholic’s version of If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, they’ll end up looking at their watch around 1:30 a.m. realizing they’ve got double vision. “Shit I’ve got to get up for work in five hours,” they say looking down in a depressed panic at their phone. “Never. Drinking. Again,” they’ll text you the next day as they have so many times in the past. Oh they’ll be back. They always come back.
10. The couple having a lovers’ quarrel
We all know those couples who constantly get into arguments when they go out. St. Patrick’s Day is sort of a perfect storm for temperamental couples, because it combines copious amounts of alcohol and a lot of happy single people all in one location. St. Patrick’s Day is a great holiday for singles because there are no expectations. You’re not explaining why you’re not married yet to your relatives (Thanksgiving and Christmas), and you’re not feeling sorry for yourself thinking no one loves you (Valentine’s Day). In fact, I think the only people who don’t like St. Patrick’s Day are recovering alcoholics and everyone in a vehicle on the road that day. Don’t drink and drive. Also, try to dodge this couple.
Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
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