Back in the good ol’ days, cheating on your significant other was something reserved for businessmen. Much like smoking a cigar or putting your feet up on a desk in a relaxed fashion, it was simply unheard of for a lady to do it. But now, thanks to things like Title IX and Chelsea Handler, women are increasingly stepping out on their men. Have you ever heard of such a thing? If you care about your girlfriend, and the idea of her laying with another man disturbs you, here are some foolproof ways to keep tabs on her infidelity.
1. She texts people: Is your girlfriend texting people a lot? One of those people she’s texting could be ANOTHER GUY!!!!!! Make sure to go through her texts when she’s in the shower or taking a dump.
2. She takes dumps: My last piece of advice was a trick! If your girlfriend feels comfortable enough with you to let you know when she’s taking a dump, then she no longer cares about you and has definitely started banging other dudes on the low. All girl dumps should be accompanied with running water from a bathroom sink or shower. If she’s just loudly spraying shit with no regard for whether you know she’s deucing, she’s cheating on you.
3. Her breath smells like another man’s penis: If she’s been out for a while and you don’t know where she’s been, make out with her for a little bit upon her return. If her breath smells like penis, well, I don’t know what to tell you.
4. She always wants to “walk the dog”: Girls who are cheating on their significant others are always gonna look for reasons to leave the apartment. At first, you won’t think much of it, but when she continues to volunteer for things like walking the dog, which NOBODY wants to do and is just an excuse to leave the apartment, the red flags should go up. Throw it in her face that you guys don’t even OWN a dog, and watch her squirm.
5. She gets dressed up all nice for stuff: Remember when you first started dating your girlfriend and she would put on makeup, do her hair, wear a nice outfit, shave her legs, shower, wipe, etc., and now she just sits around the apartment taking dumps and looking like a gross wet rat? If she starts getting all dolled up to go “meet some friends,” there’s a good shot those friends could actually be DUDES!! If this happens, follow her, or call the host of the reality show Cheaters and ask him to help you. He’s very effective.
6. You get matched with her on Tinder: If your girlfriend is on Tinder, don’t believe her lies, it’s not for a “research paper about modern day dating rituals.” You’re not even in school, you idiot, you work at J.Crew. If she tries to turn it on you by pointing out the fact that you’re on Tinder too, pretend one of your friends just used your Facebook account to catfish unsuspecting hot girls because you’re much hotter than he is.
7. She Instagrams pics of her cavorting with strange men: Every man should follow his lady on Instagram. I know what you’re gonna say, “I can’t afford a smartphone.” Tough shit, Poorian Gray. This is your relationship we’re talking about. Your girlfriend could be uploading tons of pics of her draped all over random bros like, well… drapes! And not even nice drapes. Shitty drapes from the Nate Berkus collection at Target. If your girlfriend is making out with other dudes in pics on Instagram, that is a surefire tell.
8. She doesn’t wear underwear when she goes out: If you follow the news like I do, you’ll know that loose women are known to carry on all about town without wearing underwear, their snizz on full display. Don’t believe me? Google Lindsay Lohan naked snizz shots and prepare to eat your words. If your girlfriend joins the Lohans, Britneys, and Paris’ of the world and hits the town with her snizz flapping in the wind, she’s probably looking to get boned.
9. She makes it clear that she feels emotionally neglected by you: JK. Just wanted to have a little fun with you guys. This has nothing to do with her cheating on you.
10. Her friends tell you she’s cheating on you: If one or more of her good friends tells you that your girlfriend is cheating on you with another man, odds are, she’s cheating on you with another man. Don’t ignore this intel. Casually bring it up to her in conversation, and if she confirms that it’s true, you’ve got her right where you want her.
[Cheating couple via Shutterstock]