For all of you politically correct mongrels out there, by “crazy” I mean emotionally unstable. Some of you may be thinking, “ha, isn’t that every woman? *Gives a nearby Bro a high five*” No, it’s not every woman. You have your standard run-of-the-mill hormonal females who will flip out if you forget to DVR Real Housewives of New Jersey, and then you have the type of girls who will remove your dick with a blunt object and make a California Roll out of it. It’s important to understand which one you’re dealing with here.
Honesty is the best policy, right? So I’ll be forward when I say that I’ve been known to dabble in the art of batshit insanity…but it’s usually alcohol-induced so that doesn’t count. All things considered, I’m a fairly level headed gal, which it makes it that much easier to spot the ones who aren’t.
Let’s take a stroll down Crazy Lane and discuss some tell-tale signs that you’re dating a bona fide Lorena Bobbitt.
Marriage
Discussing marriage with someone you’re dating is a pretty standard practice. Even if you haven’t been together that long, it’s totally acceptable to broach the subject while treading lightly. Questions like, “Do you see yourself getting married?” or “Do you believe in marriage?” are completely normal. It’s sort of like asking someone about their political affiliation or who their favorite Kardashian is—you know, the important shit that allows you to gage a person’s character. However, if a girl starts spewing any of the following questions after only a few months—get the fuck out:
“What do you think our wedding song should be?”
“Do you plan on buying me a ring anytime soon? Because I have a few picked out on Pinterest already.” “What color scheme do you think would work best for our fall wedding?”
You get where I’m going. If any girl is planning your wedding before you’ve even said “I love you,” it’s safe to assume there’s a screw loose. I often call these girls “projectors,” for the obvious reason that they project a future for themselves that doesn’t exist (you can also call them delusional, that works too). As a subscript of this category, I’m going to add this: if she mentions wanting to have your children in a way that’s entirely not a joke (meaning if her eyes start twitching and a tear runs down her cheek)—sprint in the opposite direction and make sure there’s no holes in any of your condoms.
Social Media/Phone
This category encompasses a lot, so bear with me. Most women have a few jealous bones in their body. Next to these jealous bones you may find a few insecure bones as well. Can this be annoying to handle? Of course, but is it tolerable? Yes. It just comes with the territory of being a heterosexual male. You’re going to have to deal with the repercussions of liking vagina. This is one of them. However, if the girl you’re with takes these simple jealousies and insecurities and turns them into DEFCON 1, then needless to say you have a problem. If she at any point has hacked into your phone or social media accounts without knowing your passwords, not only is she incredibly tech-savvy, she’s a nut job. If you’ve discussed giving each other the right to completely invade the other’s privacy, then fine—but if she takes it upon herself, that’s not a girl you want to bring home to mommy. If she tracks your followers, pictures you like, or comments you post with the intensity of J. Edgar Hoover, it’s time to dip out. I understand that social media has become a part of everyday life, but any chick popping a fucking blood vessel because you liked a picture of some girl’s dog potentially needs a script for an antipsychotic.
Communication
It’s no secret that women are generally more communicative than men. We like to talk, even when we have absolutely nothing of value to say. Because of this we tend to call and text more than necessary. If your girl is sending you 3 texts for every 1 you send her, fine, nothing to lose sleep over, but if she’s sending you Moby Dick length texts all day long, that’s suspect. You have to consider:
1. Why does she have so much free time?
And,
2. Does she expect the same in return?
Most of the time the answers are as follows: She doesn’t have that much free time, she’s just obsessed with you and yes, she expects the same in return and is likely to freak out if you don’t answer rapidly and with just as much to say. Too much communication is a sign that she’s needy. Neediness to a degree is manageable. So when does it go from manageable to scary? If you’re at work, a funeral, a family gathering, or even just out with your boys shooting the shit and she starts texting in ALL CAPS, calling you an asshole for not answering and threatening to jump off a bridge, that’s when you know it’s scary. Even if this happens once, end it. Don’t write it off as a onetime thing. I will note if she’s super drunk on tequila, then you can possibly forgive her—that’s at your own discretion though.
Female Friends
This is simple and finite. If she doesn’t “let you” have female friends, especially ones you’ve known for years, she’s missing a link. If she doesn’t get along with your female friends, that speaks volumes about her character and lastly, if she has ever threatened your female friends to leave you alone—kick her to the curb. Platonic relationships with the opposite sex are possible and if she can’t recognize that maybe she isn’t a full-blown nutter, but she’s lame no less.
Sex
They tend to say the crazy ones are the best in the bed. I don’t have any comment on that, other than is blowing your load worth dealing with a lunatic? I’m sure most of you are nodding your head “Yes.” In any event, you may be wondering how can you tell if a girl is crazy just by her bedroom etiquette? Here’s how: It’s not so much her technique (because even the Girl Next Door can bust out some kink); it’s mostly what she says. For example, if you’re having sex with a girl and you’re taking a while to finish, most girls will chalk it up to an exceptional performance on your behalf, or maybe just that you ate Chipotle and you’re bloated. A deranged girl may say something along the lines of: “Are you cheating on me? Why are you lasting so long? Are you getting it somewhere else? Let me smell your dick.” These are big sparkly red flags.
It happens to the best of us and sometimes it comes out of nowhere. You meet a girl and she seems perfectly normal and then all of a sudden she’s picking out baby names and knows your social security number by heart. Hopefully you’ll use these tips to spot a crazy, before dating a crazy, and if you don’t, let’s just hope you escape the situation intact.
[Header image via Shutterstock]