Chipotle is heaven sent. Previously a McDonalds investment, Chipotle has shed their shackles and is a great example of healthy yet delicious food. It is more than likely in every Bro’s weekly diet. Whether you get chicken, barbacoa, carnitas, steak, or the newly adopted tofu sofritas, we can all agree in our love for the divine restaurant. It serves as an impeccable hangover cure, a stoner’s favorite after spliff delight, or a food challenge for a colleague at work. The staff is generally out of this world, rarely making mistakes, and you are able to get delicious generally healthy cuisine as quickly as it takes Wendy’s to add everything to your burger when all you wanted was ketchup, mustard, and pickles.
1. Ask and You Shall Receive
It doesn’t hurt to ask. Would you have ever received that first terrible blowjob in the summer going into high school if you never asked? While the old adage “no question is a dumb question” is not necessarily true it is a safe mantra when at Chipotle. If you don’t ask, you will not receive. Chipotle staff members aim to please you as a customer. If you are not satisfied with the amount of rice you have been given ask for “extra.” When that first scoop of chicken is not satisfactory just simply say “hey sauce boss, can I get a little more chicken.” Key phrase being “a little.” No Chipotle employee in the freest nation in the land will deny the request of “a little more” or “extra” anything. Use this helpful hint to craft a massive order that can often times serve as two meals.
2. Salad Dressing is Liquid Gold
Upon discovering the deliciousness that is Chipotle’s salad dressing, I never turned back. While I have never ordered a salad, the salad dressing pairs well with burritos, burrito bowls and everything in between. Smother your half chicken half barbacoa burrito with dressing, dip your chips, or whatever else you choose and your day will instantly improve. Formally known as Chipotle Honey Vinaigrette, the marriage of the sweet flavors of the honey with the tang of the red wine vinegar and kick of cumin and red pepper will impress any foodie. The dressing is a free complement and you need to simply ask for it. This power move separates the veterans from the rookies.
3. Mix Your Burrito
We were all once Chipotle amateurs. There are a shocking 655,000 order combinations at the legendary establishment. Understandably, it takes a solid year (sometimes more for all those brave souls who regularly switch up their orders) of visits to hone your perfect order. Once I found my perfect order, I never shied away. I only go to chipotle when I am starving and am always fearful of switching up my order even though I have never been disappointed, and ultimately left hungry and with a less than stellar taste in my mouth. I go with a burrito, a fairly vanilla choice at chipotle until you factor in both pinto and black beans, half chicken, half barbacoa, medium salsa, hot salsa, a “little” corn, cheese, and lettuce. The most crucial element of the order comes last. Politely ask if they can “mix” your burrito. They may at times look at you with disgust as if you are the spawn of Satan, but it is extremely necessary. This final step is moore necessary than wrapping on a one-night stand after a night of whiskey gingers. No one in the history of Chipotle has ever appreciated that weak bite consisting of only rice and cheese that comes from not mixing your burrito.
4. More Bang for Your Buck
For budget conscious bros with big appetites, this power move will give you the best of both worlds. Order a burrito bowl and refer to tip number one: ask for more and ask again. Craft a massive burrito bowl; ask to for it to go so you can properly mix the monstrosity, and lastly ask for either a tortilla, soft tacos, or hard taco shells on the side. All three options are free and will impress all those you attend Chipotle with. This expert request gives you the quantity of a burrito bowl and the diversity of having both a burrito or tacos and a bowl. Feeling creative? Roll your own burrito, or if you want the easier option simply pack a hard-shell taco with all the delicious fixins’ from your bowl.
5. Zest it up a Notch
You may have noticed a shortage of limes over the past year. You may have noticed bartenders “forgetting” to add a lime to your gin and tonics and vodka sodas. What is life without the refreshing twist that is lime? Zest up your Chipotle with a side of lime. Simply ask for some limes on the side and you will receive several wedges to assist you on your quest to flavor town. The simplicity yet powerful flavor of fresh lime can add quite a delicious twist to burritos and bowls alike. Add the lime to your soda or water cup along with lemon for a refreshing drink to help digest the pound burrito you just gorged on.