9 Things That Go Out of Style the Moment You Graduate from College

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Ranch Dressing

Did you just spend four years lathering yourself in ranch dressing, pouring giant tubs of the stuff onto your oversized pizza slices from that place that approximately three people have ever eaten at sober?

Everyone else, too. But everyone else also graduated, and for some reason the awesome/highly questionable social practice does not translate to the post-college arena. Really there’s no reason for this–the first person to open a relatively cheap, oversized ranch-acceptable pizza truck and park it in that city’s primary semi-douchey post-frat area will make a killing and a half.

Get on this, “dad, could I have mad $$$ to start a business??” entrepreneurs of America. 

Kitchen Stench

It’s ok to live in squalor whilst in college. In fact, it’d be hella weird not to.

But once you graduate–when health insurance becomes a thing, and when it becomes much more commonplace to bring back girls who are a few years older–that jig is now up.

Having Afternoons

Gone. Straight up, you don’t have them anymore. They don’t exist.

Cool Backpacks

I went abroad, talked about how awesome it was for awhile, and accrued a patch for every country/city I visited. Suffice to say it was “my thing.” My female caretaker thought it’d be cool to sew the patches onto my backpack, and that shit proceeded to occur. So for the last two years (can you believe it’s been two years?!? Doesn’t it feel like just yesterday?!?!?!), I’ve been walking around with this dope sauce backpack, complete with these dope sauce patches that declare to the world, with moderate volume, that I am a “cultured” human.

In college, this was a great “personal branding” device, and a solid conversational starter. Now though–as I arrive to the office, and all co-workers rock much more professionally looking computer bags–it’s definitely becoming less acceptable. I even fear there may be a time where I can no longer “pull it off.” If you’re looking for this article’s obligatory pop-culture nod, Winter Is Coming.

Relatives Being Proud of You

“He's getting adjusted” Freshman Year, “He still has plenty of time” Sophomore Year, “He’s figuring it out” Junior Year, and “He's positioning himself nicely” Senior Year.

He graduates, and the socially acceptable positive excuses have all been exhausted.

Natty Bragging

You knew this one was coming. No longer is it credible to brag about the fact that your beer pallet is four years behind. It’s basically being the same thing as the eighth grader who still watches Nickelodeon. Sure it’s cool NOW, but you gotta give that shit some time to be culturally outdated before you give it the likely unfounded comeback.

(Using this logic, it will be cool to drink Natty in about 15 years. I do not forsee this happening, but if does, you heard it here first.)

Frat T-Shirts

SAE Crawfish Boil 97 was awesome, despite the fact that nobody wearing that shirt actually attended. We seem to be hyper-aware of this sort of nostalgia at this point so it’s definitely on the way out (HUGE from 2006-2011). But this general theme–specifically for those who cut the sleeves to rock the suns out guns out look–is dangerously difficult to pull off post-college. Not necessarily because it's out of style just like that, but because your obligations don't allow regularly scheduled sleeveless chaying time. Work makes you wear starch clothes, bars make you dress up a bit more, and the gym has cougars, who if interested in a young gun, need to be validated by the fact that this guy seems strikingly mature for his age. Bryan Greenberg in “The Prime” type shit. 

**BTW, if you’re “thing” is trying to get older women, watch this movie. Tough to get through at times, but a very informative crash-course.

Being Broke

Constantly complaining about not having enough money to do anything, but dropping $40 per night on alcohol is for some reason endearing in college. It’s part of growing up. It’s the struggle, or something. Ramen, Easy Mac, constantly having an empty wallet–it’s an experience that you’re apparently supposed to have one point in your life, if only to go on a podium and discuss that “you know what it’s like.” Of course you have no idea, but that’s besides that point.

Graduation time though, and you have to pay rent. And you find yourself g-chatting up your other poor friends, straight bragging on the fact that you’re managing to live on $150 a week. You have no choice but to be proud of the fact, because actually realizing that college tuition amounted to this is well beyond depressing.

“It’s Not Like We’re Gonna Get Married”:

Casual dating is all the rage post college, but deciding to get exclusive at 23 years of age isn’t exactly just your run of the mill Sophomore year “I want a girlfriend” sort of deal.

One year turns to two, two years turns to three. “It’s not like we’re gonna get married,” you preface every convo. But then you turn 27. And you’re still with her. That upper right-hand corner of Facebook is getting awfully littered with those dumb hearts, supplemented nicely by a photo with 50-plus likes.

You get to that point, and she’s gonna want those 50-plus likes. And soon.

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Party image via Shuttershock

Ranch dressing pic via Shuttershock