Apparently Everyone In America Uses Crappy Toilet Paper And What The Hell Is Wrong With You??


One thing I cannot fathom about my two roommates is that they buy the shitty, single-ply toilet paper. Scott’s to be precise. Fuck Scott’s. I can’t wrap my head around it. I don’t care if your diet is the most fiber-rich, consistent in the world. That shit feels like rubbing plywood on your asshole.

It fucking hurts. I don’t understand. So I always try to, when the stash is low, buy the good shit. Cottonelle. That’s the way to wipe your ass. Not with the fucking crap dorm rooms and offices stock. No. Home is my haven. Home is where it is nice to poop. Fuck shitty toilet paper. Fuck my roommates.

But apparently, no one agrees with me. Everyone’s been buying crap. In fact, it’s such news that two-ply toilet paper sales are up that the Washington Post covered the phenomenon

Sales in the United States of what the industry calls “luxury” rolls — anything quilted, lotioned, perfumed or ultra-soft, from two- to four-ply — climbed to $1.4 billion last year, outpacing all other kinds of toilet paper for the first time in nearly a decade, data from market research firm Euromonitor International show.

I guess that means I’m the weird one? That I am the minuscule segment of the populace? Who cares? Everyone out who doesn’t side with me is fucking nuts, majority be damned.

The luxury market is one-fourth the size of the standard TP market, but its prominence in Big Wipe is growing faster than many industry watchers expected. Luxury toilet paper sales have grown more than 70 percent since 2000, and they’re expected to keep growing faster than all other categories every year through at least 2018.

So 75 percent of Americans use shit to clean their asses. Seems ineffective, no?

Dude. Dude. It is not profoundly cheaper to buy shittier wipes.

Though it’s a little pricier, analysts said, nearly everyone can still afford [luxury toilet paper]…

Why would you not take care of your butthole when it doesn’t affect your budget?? Sometimes I bleed from shitty paper. Maybe I’m just an aggressive wiper? No. This whole country is stupid.

But now that people are spending big on butts, brands want in.

To compete for the luxury crowd, paper giants are paying heavily to advertise just how luxurious their rolls can be. To promote Cottonelle’s new “CleanRipple” design, which spokesperson Bob Brand said would “be a differentiator in the premium bath tissue space,” parent company Kimberly-Clark has sprung for TV ads that suggest users of its new high-end blend will be so clean they can “go commando.”

God. Imagine working in a TP ad agency. What a shitty job.

Meanwhile in New York, the out-of-touch bourgeois are having their toilet paper cake, using baby wipes for their bums and destroying the city in the process.

Wet Wipes are choking NYC’s sewer system. Though they’re frequently branded as being “flushable,” the Department of Environmental Protection begs to differ, having spent more than $18 million in just five years trying to unravel the little buggers from the city’s sanitation equipment.

Okay nevermind. That’s an even shitter job.

Anyway, Bros. Don’t skimp on toilet paper. It’s fucking weird when you buy cheap shit. Buy cheap beer instead. That’s way more enjoyable.

[Via Timbook]