There’s a saying in the Brommunity that rings especially true this time of year: “Live every weekend like it’s Memorial Day Weekend.” MDW is one of the most highly-anticipated holidays on the Bro calendar, right up there with the Fourth of July. This year it falls on May 26th. Whether you’re heading to the beach, the lake, or just staying local, here are those 13 things and people to avoid this weekend.
Drunk older couple
On a regular day older people are generally a much happier source of fun times at the bar. Sometimes it’s the drunk 80-year-old dude who can’t keep his pants up and other times it’s the cougar at the bar who just wants to teach the young cub a few important lessons in the art of cunnilingus (they know what they are talking about, trust). But on this particular day, couples will come out looking for one or two friends with intentions of sharing more than a beer. Threesomes provide epic stories. Unless it involves some old dude watching you bang his wife.
People on motorcycles
This sort of runs into the first category, but is also related to the people that will fuck you up as a result of being a drunken asshole. If you’ve ever seen an episode of Sons of Anarchy, just do yourself a favor and walk in the other direction. Homies don’t play.
Clubs with no dress code
It’s not a big deal if you are going to a house party or local bar. But if you decide to make a big deal out of the day, then go all out and don’t go to some shitty club that lets bro-wannabes in with beaters or other cheap gear on. Have some standards.
Bros drinking Jager bombs
This is as much about the guys that would be drinking lots of these (guidos)as it is what exactly they are drinking. Whether it’s your bros or the ones next to you, some people just can’t handle their liquor. Avoid beer muscles at all costs. And buy chicks Fireball shots.
Kids
Basically any place that involves kids is bound to be a lame time. If this is the day where adult shit goes on all day, then you don’t ever want to feel the need to hold back because some fucking nose-picker is standing 10 feet away. At least cut off the age limit at 18, then you’re safe in all states.
Responsibilities
As ambiguous as it is, responsibility of all kinds are to be avoided. If there’s any chance that the day is as epic as you’d hope, then waking up on Monday morning with a clear conscience will yield the best results. Which brings us to…
Work
If you work at any point during Memorial Day then there is no saving you. If you didn’t see this coming then I feel bad, but it seems to be only one person’s fault. Someone’s gotta be working. But it will not be you.
Molly
Basically any and all mind-altering drugs are best done in groups of people where everyone is under the influence. Anywhere and everywhere you go will be filled with people not fucked up. So take a day off from anything too hard, or you will look and sound awfully ridiculous in comparison to others.
Any public place where the ratio of drunk to sober people is >
Sober people aren’t all a buzzkill, but this is a day to have fun. Besides someone’s sobriety ain’t nothin’ to fuck with and if you’re like me when you drink then you will be offering up drinks all over the place.
Girls with annoying friends
There will be hot girls everywhere (provided you don’t go somewhere pathetic) and so avoiding the unfortunate annoying ones should be tough. Finding a friend for that girl is a tough job and you shouldn’t have to do it.
Bros creeping on you/girls that you are talking to
Everyone has that “nice guy” friend that either doesn’t get laid or just doesn’t know when to fuck off. Keep the creepy bros at home. If you just want to kick it with the dudes then by all means discard this forewarning. Not everyone does well in a group setting. And when it infringes upon your ability to smash quality tail, then something must be done.
Spending too much before going to the bar
Who doesn’t love pregaming? Even with all the “great deals” that bars will feature, there will still be plenty of ways to unwisely spend your money. However, if you plan on going out and seeing broads you don’t know then you best come equipped with enough capital to buy a round or six. So scale back the pregame a bit (or go cheap on the labels) and don’t kill your wallet before you even start the fucking day.