The Depths Of Hell Just Coughed Up A Demon Shark With The Hump Of A Bull And Eyes Like The Devil

Every now and then the Dark Prince himself, Lucifer, likes to open the gates to Hell (which are found beneath the ocean) and release a creature so terrifying that the entire global population is reminded how weak and feeble human beings really are. The latest instance of this came just a few days ago when a rare shark washed up on the shores of New Zealand, presumably dead from depression after realizing life on earth isn’t nearly as fun as life in Hell, and news of this rare shark has been making worldwide headlines.

This ghastly creature has been identified as a bigeye thresher shark, and it has the hump of a bull and eyes as large as Sauron from Lord of the Rings (which makes perfect sense because those films were shot in New Zealand). When my colleague Rebecca sent me news of this rare find I first thought it would be a goblin shark, because that’s the species of shark that usually makes headlines like this one. After clicking the links I found out I was wrong, the hell hour released into the frigid waters of New Zealand was the bigeye thresher shark, a species I know virtually nothing about:

Now for some bad news…Here’s the worldwide range of the Bigeye Thresher Shark:

So basically if you live anywhere near the water you’re at risk of coming in contact with the bigeye thresher shark.

Aaaaaaaaand now for some GREAT NEWS, the Florida Museum of Natural History lists the threat of Bigeye Thresher Shark attacks as such: “There are no reported unprovoked attacks by this shark so it is considered no harm to humans.”

So that’s good, we can at least sleep well at night knowing that these sharks aren’t out to eat us (unlike the other beasts from hell swimming out there in the ocean).

[h/t DailyMail via NZHerald]

Cass Anderson avatar
Cass Anderson is Editor-in-Chief of BroBible. He graduated from Florida State University, has been to more Phish concerts than he’d like to admit, and primarily specializes in Outdoor, Gear, and Whiskey-related content.