Bro Sleeps With Ravenous Oxycontin Addict, Plus That Awkward Moment a Girl’s Dad Hands You a Condom

This happened during the fall of my freshman year of college at Wisconsin, it was a simpler time, when you could buy your energy drinks and alcohol in one container, Four Loko.

Anyways, a platonic female friend of mine came up to visit me for a weekend, let's call her Ann. A little backstory on her, she’s an athlete at one of our state schools, we went to neighboring high schools and we are pretty close friends, oh and she happens to be an aspiring underwear model. Spoiler alert, it's not her I hooked up with.

Anyways, we kick back and start pre-gaming in a dorm room along with a few other bros of mine when Ann unloads a bombshell of good news. She heard that one of our frats was having a Victoria's Secret sponsored charity dance party, and she really wanted to go. The other bros and I were all stoked, we hadn't heard of much going on yet that night and it seemed like a prime place to score some sexing. Being a charity dance party, it would be alcohol free but obviously you’re encouraged to show up hammered. So naturally, while pre-gaming I drank two Four Lokos and a few beers, and I was feeling pretty tanked when we left for the party.

We get to the party and all of a sudden Ann pulls me aside freaking out, because there’s a rent a cop inside. Turns out she snuck in two water bottles filled with Four Loko in her purse. Then and there I knew what had to be done. I stepped into a side closet, crushed both bottles, and then hit the dance floor.

Pretty quickly the alcohol hit me and I blacked out. I remember feeling my heart beat like a drum, ready to burst from all the caffeine. Where my memory restarts is in a bedroom with a pretty banging hottie, getting ready to ride the train to poundtown. I didn't ask questions and got it done, but I did notice this chick was kind of wild in bed.

After the first round of sexing we went downstairs and I happened to notice one of those chair lift things for old people, like Barb Bush had in the White House. I thought this was a little odd for a college house so I asked the girl about it and holy shit. This girl was an overnight caretaker for an elderly professor, and when she left the Victoria's Secret party for work at 1am, she brought me with her. I was fucking a girl in a professor’s house.

Seizing this once in a lifetime opportunity, we went back upstairs and I gave it to her again, this time she was even bit wilder than the last. After some miscellaneous post sex cuddling and making out this girl asks me for my wallet. I stop and think, “Holdup, is this bitch a hooker?” while she pulls a pill bottle out of the nightstand drawer. Turns out its Oxycontin, belonging elderly professor who owns the house. She then asks again, for something to crush a pill up with, and I hand her the first thing I can pull out of my wallet, which of course was my student ID. She crushes the Oxy and snorts it with a 5 dollar bill, while I’m standing there in disbelief.

While I’m still in shock she turns around and starts giving me head so I just go with it. We end up screwing again, she went absolutely crazy this time and was scratching and biting like no other, probably the wildest sex of my life.

After seeing how crazy this bitch was I wasn’t about to fall asleep there, so I left and started walking home, noticing that the sun was already almost up. This professor lived like 2 miles from our campus, I have no idea how we got there from the dance party.

After I get back to my dorm, some of the bros on my floor are still up and they’re looking at me like I’m some kind of zoo animal. Check the mirror and I’ve got the two biggest hickies mankind has seen on either side of my neck. I pass out for a few hours, and wake up mid-afternoon with my back hurting. Check the mirror again and it’s covered in bloody scratch marks, I noticed cuts in the shape of her teeth on my tongue when brushing my teeth later too.

It took a few days for my body to recover, but it was worth it just for the story. This night ended up being one of the best stories I can never tell to most people. Lesson here kids is that you should always mix caffeine and alcohol.


So a few weeks ago I'm in the Dominican Republic with my family to celebrate the New Year. A week of swim up bars, nude beaches, where is a guy to complain. So after the Midnight celebration, I see a group of bro's and their girlfriends I met at the pool, and we decide to go to the “disco” a few hotels over. We get there and this place is just loaded with sexy sluts, and these aren't your every day American women (If you've ever been to the Dominican, you know these places are filled with Europeans.)

So I find a group of French chicks, and it's on. I grab my sexy blonde Frenchie, start dancing, and within no time we're sucking face. So she says lets go back to your place, and that's not an option since I'm sharing a room with my siblings. I say how about your room, and she's cool with it.

So we begin the trek to another few hotels even further from mine, making out while trying to not walk into shit. We get to her hotel, up the elevator, down the hallway, and she starts to open the door. We're still kissing while going into her room, and then I see it… Her parents are sitting on the 2nd bed drinking Champagne. Deer. In. Headlights. I would pay any money to have had a picture of my face… I'm speechless, while the smokeshow blonde and her parents are talking in French. I wish I knew French to know what was being said. I took spanish in high school, but my rough translation is “Mom and Dad, I'm about to fuck this guy, you need to get out for awhile.”

Her parents get up, and start walking toward me, my mind goes from I'm getting fucked, to her Dad is going to fuck me up. Her Mom opens the door and walks out, and the Dad follows, but as he passes me he puts his hand out. Well, look at this, her Dad gave me a fucking condom!

Point taken, I grab the condom, close the door, and take French to pound town.

After we're done, we head down to the bar, grab a drink with her parents, and I walk back on the beach 5 hotels back to my room at 6 a.m. I don't think I ever walked taller in my life.

Overall, this New Year started out on the right note!

Holy improbable shit. I don't know if this dad is a father of the year candidate or a pile of festering shit. I'm torn. If you're the Bro, you love this guy for not beating the living shit out of you and also letting you cum inside a condom inside his daughter, but if you're anyone else this has to be a complete toss up. Shit wouldn't fly if I had a daughter, but live and let live, I suppose.

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