Teaches You Everything You Need To Know About The NSA Stealing Your Dick Pics

On Sunday night John Oliver went to Russia to interview Edward Snowden and proceeded to devote a large chunk of the segment to how the NSA is stealing and recording our dick pics. You can watch that interview in full here if you’re interested in learning more about Edward Snowden’s take on the NSA and dick pics, but if you’re truly curious about how the NSA is stealing your dick pics then there’s the perfect website available:

After the interview dropped on ‘Last Week Tonight’ a man by the name of Olivier Lucan snatched up the greatest URL on the Internet and created a website to detail the laws concerning the NSA and your dick pics. Olivier Lucan is a man “who cares about security and privacy and the freedom for everyone to send dick pictures as long as the recipient is cool with it.” And for that reason I trust him. A man who cares passionately about another man’s rights to send dick pics is not a man with a nefarious motive, he’s just a man who cares about freedom!

The website is broken down in the SIX major sections, each of which concerns your ability to send dick pics without NSA surveillance:

Section 702: One-End Foreign Dick
Yes. The FISA amendments act of 2008 which section 702 falls under allows the bulk collection of Internet communications that are one-end foreign. If you have your email somewhere like Gmail, it’s hosted on servers overseas or transfered overseas or anytime crosses over the borders of the United States: your junk ends up in the database.

You don’t have to be sending your dick to a German. Even if you send it to somebody within the United States your — wholly domestic — communication between you and your wife can go from New York to London and back and get caught up in the database.

Executive Order 12333: Dick Smuggling
Yes. EO 12333 is what the NSA uses when the other authorities aren’t aggressive enough or they’re not catching as much as they’d like.

When you send your junk through Gmail for example: that’s stored on Google’s servers. Google moves data from datacenter to datacenter — invisibly to you, without your knowledge. Your data could be moved outside of the borders of the United States temporarily when your junk was passed by Gmail the NSA caught a copy of that.

PRISM is how they pull your junk out of Google with Google’s involvement.

All of the different PRISM partners — people like Yahoo, Facebook, Google — the government deputizes them to be sort of their little surveillance Sheriffs. They’re a Dick Sheriff.

Upstream Dick
Upstream is how they snatch your junk as it transits through the Internet.

Mystic Dick
If you’re describing your junk on the phone: yes. They have the content as well as the duration but only for a few countries. If you’re in vacation in the Bahamas, they know what your junk looks like.

Section 215: Dick Metadata
No dick pic. But they can probably tell who you’re sharing your junk pictures with because they’re seeing who you’re texting with, who you’re calling.

Each section links out to more information about how the NSA is hindering your ability to send dick pics in privacy.

But ti doesn’t just stop at dicks, Mr. Lacan has also dropped ‘‘ in an effort to keep everything balanced and fair, because it’s not just dicks the NSA are snooping on. So if you’re like me, and had a healthy curiosity about how the NSA is snooping on your dick pics then you should check out ‘’ and/or ‘’. Also, make sure to scan Olivier Lacan’s Twitter feed because from time to time he shares some pretty illuminating links such as this one:

[tip of the hat to The Verge for finding and sharing this story]